WE deserve it, do YOU?

20 Feb

(Important note for this post- This is written from a collegiate runners POV, but many of my experiences are the same for athletes in all of the other collegiate sports.  I’m not looking for a pat on the back for describing my schedule/stresses, I can do that myself.)
(Important note number 2: Anytime I write a potentially offensive post, I get a pretty sizable amount of hate mail/bashing comments.  Y’all, read some of my posts. Take things with a grain of salt, relax, and enjoy these for their mix of humor and truth.)

You know something has to get me pretty worked up to bring my blogging self back from the dead.  I was just peacefully scrolling through my Twitter Feed while sitting on the toilet before my night run when I saw this “article” retweeted by an Illinois athlete.

http://www.dailyillini.com/opinion/columns/article_826b725e-7a47-11e2-a1c6-001a4bcf6878.html

Take a minute to calm down before you read this post.  Maybe go for a run, take a hot shower.

Ok, do you have yourself collected?  Good.  Let’s destroy this horrible human being’s argument.

Before we even get to taking apart how poorly written, biased, unsupported, and stupid this article was, let’s start by looking at a picture of the gal who wrote the piece (it’s not creepy, her picture is in the article)

The symbol of America's oppressed college student, a pretty white female.

The symbol of America’s oppressed college student: a pretty white female.

Also, this was posted in the comments section on your article, but looking at your room really makes me feel for you.  Life looks pretty damn tough :(  YOU’RE AN RA, YOU DON’T EVEN PAY FOR HOUSING YOU IDIOT.

Next, let me give you a few tips on journalism, dear.  I know it’s an opinion piece, but tip number one:
Don’t discredit your authority in the first few paragraphs of your article.

“I never finished the mile run. I always dropped out around a third of the way to puke or pass out — whichever came first”

LOL. Wait, WHAT??  You can’t run 533ish meters without puking or passing out?  You expect anybody to take you seriously after opening with something like that?  I sure hope you’re exaggerating and this claim isn’t true.  I guess I wouldn’t expect a cardio system to be very efficient in somebody who is so cold-hearted.  I know 200+ pound non-athletes that can run longer than that.  I know people without the bottom half of their legs that can run much further than that, except they use their talent to murder their girlfriends, unfortunately (too soon, I know.)

THIS guy is fitter than you. Hit the gym, girl.

THIS guy is fitter than you. Hit the gym, girl.

“This occurred to me as I noticed my one friend take out her student athlete class planner. I front a small fee for an iBook. Her student athlete school supplies are free.”

A.) You only have one friend?

B.)  I’ve been informed by people at your own school that iBooks can be obtained for free at the Illini Union Bookstore.  Are you paying just so you can get more people to listen to you whine?

C.) Yes, some of us at our respective Universities get free planners.  PLANNERS.  I have never received free pencils, books, pens, papers, notebooks etc. etc.  Maybe your school has a special deal with Staples, or maybe you’re just making another unsupported claim.

Student-Athlete Planners, the number one coveted athletic benefit by muggles nationwide

Student-Athlete Planners, the number one coveted athletic benefit by muggles nationwide

“Not only do they get blue and orange gear free of charge, which includes those trademark Nike tracksuits and backpacks, but student athletes are also privy to tutoring services that the rest of us standard, non-athletic-scholarship students have to go out of our way for or otherwise not have. But I wonder how many of those athletes would be doing so well if they were just plain, non-athlete students?”

Give me your address, I’m being serious.  I will gladly mail you some of my gear for free (as long as it’s not an NCAA violation to do so).  Also, I haven’t met with a tutor since my freshman year in the Fall of 2009.  But say I did need to use a tutor, let’s just examine how “unfair” this is that I could see one for “free”.

Please, dear, tell me how rough your schedule must be.  Tell me how hard studying must be with all of your free time.  Do you have the slightest clue what it means to have the schedule of a student-athlete?  Do you think we can have the same class schedule as you?  Think we can start classes at noon and go until 5pm instead of 8am to 1pm?  Here is a quick look at my schedule.  With this schedule, the best I could work it out since these are required classes for my major, I have to miss practice THREE out of the FIVE schooldays every week (Regular practice is at 2:30pm, I can only attend M/W).

Monday (MY EASY DAY):
8:00am-9:00am- Morning run (6-10 miles)
9:00am-9:30am- Stretch, roll out, rehab, ice bath
9:30am-10:00am- Shower, get dressed, maybe get coffee/eat, take the bus to campus
10:00am-12:00pm- African American Studies 490
12:00pm-2:00pm- Eat lunch, get homework started, make my way to training room.
2:30pm-5:00pm- Practice (10-16miles depending on workout) (Note to NCAA- don’t total up these hours because they aren’t all observed)
5:30pm-6:30pm- Shower and eat
6:30pm-10pm- Homework (once again, remember this is my EASY day)

Tuesday:
5:30am-6:00am- 3-4mi jog in the dark, usually below 15 degrees
6:00am-6:40am- Eat breakfast, get dressed for Student-Teaching
6:40am-7:20am- Pick up carpooling classmates and drive to Saline High (20min away)
7:30am-11:29am- Student-Teaching with 10th-12th grade English Students
11:29-12:00pm- Get back to campus and drop off classmates at their houses.
12:00pm-1:00pm- Drop car off at track, get on bus to campus, eat lunch, get to North Quad basement for class
1:00pm-2:30pm- Writing 300 (Peer Tutoring for Education Majors)
2:30pm-4:00pm- Ed 391 (Educational Psychology)
4:00pm-6:00pm- Ed 307 (Education Practicum)
6:00pm-6:30pm- Take bus to the track, get changed, and get ready to run by myself for the second time of the day.
6:30pm-7:30/8:oopm- 10-14 mi depending on workout
8:00pm-8:45pm- Shower and eat
8:45pm-10:00pm- Homework (even though I’m usually completely spent by this time)

Wednesday (My “Easy” day again):

8:00am-9:00am- Morning run (6-10 miles)
9:00am-9:30am- Stretch, roll out, rehab, ice bath
9:30am-10:00am- Shower, get dressed, maybe get coffee/eat, take the bus to campus
10:00am-12:00pm- African American Studies 490
12:00pm-2:00pm- Eat lunch, get homework started, make my way to training room.
2:30pm-5:00pm- Practice (10-16miles depending on workout)
5:30pm-6:30pm- Shower and eat
6:30pm-10pm- Homework (once again, remember this is my EASY day)

Thursday:
6:00am-6:40am- Eat breakfast, get dressed for Student-Teaching
6:40am-7:20am- Pick up carpooling classmates and drive to Saline High (20min away)
7:30am-11:29am- Student-Teaching with 10th-12th grade English Students
11:29-12:00pm- Get back to campus and drop off classmates at their houses.
12:00pm-1:00pm- Drop car off at track, get on bus to campus, eat lunch, get to North Quad basement for class
1:00pm-2:30pm- Writing 300 (Peer Tutoring for Education Majors)
2:30pm-4:00pm- Ed 391 (Educational Psychology)
4:00pm-4:30pm- Take bus to track, get ready to run alone.
4:30pm-6:00pm- 12-16 miles
6:00pm-6:30pm- Shower, get dressed, get home
6:30pm-7:00pm- Cook and eat dinner
7:00pm-9:00pm- Hmwk
9:00pm-10/11pm- Spend time with girlfriend, my cherished free time I’ve made for myself.

Friday:
9:00am-10:00am-5-8mi depending on what I plan on getting out of afternoon run
10:30am-1:00pm- My best time span for doing homework during the week.
1:00pm-4:00pm- Education 440 (Teaching English, Methods Course)
4:00pm-4:30pm- Get to track, get ready to run
4:30pm-5:30/6pm- 10-12mi depending on total for the day/week

Saturday:
“Easy Day” if there is no meet, generally run 5-10mi and do work the rest of the day.
If there is a meet, I would have travelled one to two days beforehand and would be at a track for 6 or more hours on this day.

Sunday (LONG RUN.)
10:00am-12/12:20pm- 20-23 miles to cap off a 100-120mi week. (in the fall we drive 20-30min out to the run, adding to the time this takes.  In the winter, this run is done in the snowstorms outside while you are lying down comfortably in your bed recovering from your frat party date rape drug hangover.)
Rest of day- fighting off post long run exhaustion sleep to do my very heavy homework load.

Sorry for the runners that had to read that, I permit you to just skip over that because it’s not anything new to you.  But Miss Renee, does that seem like a fair trade for some “free” sweatpants, shoes, and gear that isn’t given to us for the hell of it but instead so we don’t freeze to death while we are running in snow storms?

Ever had to repeatedly pull ice off of your eyelids for an hour so you can see during your run?

Ever had to repeatedly pull ice off of your eyelids for an hour so you can see during your run?

 

I’m actually LUCKY with my schedule, my coach allows me to miss practice for these classes. The majority of athletes have from 8am-2pm to sneak in ALL of their classes.  Friday classes, you can forget about that. I have to miss 1/4 of my Friday classes this semester and my professor already told me “it’s going to be very hard for you to pass” (to which I replied, in my mind, “Game On.”)  And for each time I have to miss class to go to a meet, do you think my professor gives me extra time to study for tests, to hand in homework later? NO. The OPPOSITE, actually.  Professors don’t bend over backwards for us, and actually many times you probably have the advantage in winning your professor’s approval over us.  We have to turn in our work EARLY more often than not, and have you ever taken a test while at a hotel with your athletic trainer sitting next to you in a room making sure you have no extra resources that aren’t allowed and that you get exactly the amount of time that the instructor has provided you with?  Let me tell you how awkward that is and just how “fun” and “easy” it is to focus when you’re taking a test in an eerily quiet hotel room the day before a major race.  No late night cramming the day before either, because you need your rest to run fast.

As for your comment about what if we were regular students- I think I would have a 4.0.  In fact, I have little doubt that I would.  I would literally have 20 or more hours given back to me every week and an unmeasurable amount of energy restored to my body and mind allowing me to perfect my studies.  In fact, with your schedule you have no excuse not to get the highest grade possible.  But that’s just me.  I have so many teammates, with schedules similar to or worse than mine, who very rarely if ever use tutors and maintain GPAs between 3 and 4.0 in difficult majors like Engineering and Pre-Med.  But yeah, they don’t deserve those grades because from time to time they see a tutor and they can show up to the tutor in a pair of sweats the university provided for them, right?

Oh, in case you were wondering, my GPA is above 3.0.  I have been a part of 8 Academic All-Big 10 Teams and have received several accolades for my academics.  What’s yours, hot shot?

By the way, what do you do on weekends?  Go out? Get drunk? Sleep in?  Howabout St Patty’s Day, Football Pre-games, “Thirsty Thursday”, Halloween, Your Birthday? Your friend’s Birthday?  Because WE don’t do that.  I can’t speak for every collegiate athlete on this, obviously, but since you made grossly over-generalized statements you’ve set the rules for this game, babe.  You know what a crazy Friday night is for me?  When I stay up past 11pm.  St Patty’s Day? I believe I did a 21mi run last year on that day and then spent most of the day sleeping the run off. Yeah, it can be a boring life, but there’s a thing called discipline you might not have ever heard of.

Muggle spring break.

Typical regular student spring break.

Actual picture from Ann Arbor Spring Break 2011

Actual picture from my Ann Arbor Spring Break 2011. Not allowed to leave campus, studying for exams as it snowed heavily outside.

 It would take me 18 years to discover coordination, stamina or anything that vaguely resembled athleticism. And it’s too bad, really — had I hit my fitness stride just a few years earlier, maybe I could be getting more out of this University. Because that is exactly what student athletes do.

This is the dumbest thing I’ve read all year, congratulations!  You think ANYBODY can do what we do?  You think I just happened to run one day and automatically was good enough to run for a Division 1 institution? This is a slap in the face to every one of us who have worked our ASSES off to get the incredible opportunity to MAYBE, just MAYBE, compete for a university should all of our hard work come to fruition.  If this was something everybody or anybody could do, EVERYBODY would be doing it. So shut your mouth, lady, because I’ve been running since I was 7 years old so I could have an opportunity like this.  My parents lived in a trailer park when I was born and although we’ve achieved middle class through my dad’s service to our country and my mom’s 20 years of teaching, I still don’t receive any aid in tuition from my parents.  I, like regular students, have over 50 thousand dollars in loans I will have to try and pay off some day.

“It’s no secret that it pays to play. Sports generate money, and every state in the Union knows Illinois is basically broke. But not everyone knows just how much is spent on sports and the student athletes who play them. Athletes at nearly all American colleges and universities get some sort of specialized physical, nutritional, psychological and academic accommodations. I understand the priority put on food, workouts and mental health, and there are services at the University that are of little to no cost that us mere-mortal, sport-challenged folk can go to for our own lifestyle concerns. But academically, student athletes here are blatantly getting a leg up on the competition.

At the Irwin Academic Center, student athletes have to log mandatory hours in either the study rooms or computer labs reserved specifically for them. It is the Salt Lake Temple of our supposedly “Inclusive Illinois” — these tutoring services and study spaces are for members only. Tell me again what’s wrong with the UGL? Or any of the other 20-some area studies libraries on campus? Several of my friends who happen to be student athletes are both highly intelligent and motivated — do they really need this service? Illinois athletics boasts that Irwin is “offering the very best in academic services to Illinois student-athletes.” So what does that leave for the rest of us? Are we not “striving for excellence” as well? If a non-student athlete had issues passing a class, few professors, instructors or TAs would take the initiative to seek me out for extra help. (I say few because I have had the privilege to meet some outstandingly passionate and dedicated educators who will all but bleed for their students to succeed, but I digress.) 

If a student athlete’s grades start to suffer, Illinois has it covered.  “

Sports are part of the reason institutions like yours can keep putting up new buildings on campus.  Whether you agree with it or not, sports are an incredibly important institution on big campuses.  Especially in the Big 10.

Another way we can tell you know nothing about our experience.  Do you know how much “mandatory study hours” SUCK?  I dare you to find a single athlete that likes those.  Being forced to study somewhere where the student may not even be comfortable studying? Those are the bane of our existence.  If you did your research, you’d know they usually only exist for struggling upperclassmen or freshmen.

Scumbag Renee.

Scumbag Renee.

” If a non-student athlete had issues passing a class, few professors, instructors or TAs would take the initiative to seek me out for extra help”
This line is pure bullshit.  Office Hours are available to ALL students and neither student-athlete nor n0n-athlete get any more hours than the other.  To be fair though, I wouldn’t seek you out either, because you seem like a shitty person.  But that’s just, like, my opinion, man.
” Of course every student athlete on this campus will have his or her own experiences with the system. I don’t blame anyone for trying to get the most out of a college education —”

Wait. You just discredited your whole argument.

Girl you are so dumb, furrrreaall

Girl you are so dumb, furrrreaall

“Is being just a student no longer enough? This argument was made long before my epiphany.”

This was your brilliant epiphany? Dayummm girl, with genius moments like this your next step is probably finding the cure for cancer!

Your Illinois education impresses me.

Your Illinois education impresses me.

 “Besides the money, the memories and the merchandise, the association says that student athletes are more likely to live longer due to healthier lifestyles developed through forced fitness. “

The NCAA- We FORCE you to LIVE LONGER.

The NCAA- We FORCE you to LIVE LONGER.

Leadership skills and discipline are almost a given on any team, but become a college athlete and you get to write those skills on your resume with the stamp of Illini approval.

Ok, f-ck you.  It’s getting really hard to remain civil.  LEADERSHIP SKILLS AND DISCIPLINE ARE NEVER a “given”.  Those are skills have to be LEARNED.  Just being an athlete doesn’t make one a good leader or disciplined, and there are plenty of things you can do for your resume that require LESS time than being an athlete that will be just as useful on your resume.  Btw, do you even know how hard it is to survive 4-5 years on a collegiate athletic team?  Do you think everybody gets to put this on their resume?  My recruiting class originally had 5 distance runners, there’s only 2 of us left.  The class below me has lost more than half of its original class due to poor grades, cuts, dropping out, and quitting.

I can run several miles today. But the time for scholarships and color-coordinated perks are behind me — so what’s the point? I’ll buy my own planner.

Once again proving you HAVE NO IDEA what we do. We don’t go out there and jog several miles.  It’s a f-cking lifestyle.  It’s a job. Work hours are 24/7, and guess what we’re not getting paid for this job.

So yeah, maybe we get a few things you don’t.  I’m sorry you have to buy your own damn planner.  We work too damn hard to put up with you and your high horse you ride on.  The truth, which you are terrified to admit, is that WE DESERVE THIS. 

Do you?

Eatrunswag’s WORST of 2012

30 Dec

Worst of 2012:

WHAT A YEAR- right?? The Olympics delivered, the NCAA saw the birth of a new mileage hog superstar, and we learned track girls like to get dirty too (well any of us on college teams already knew this). But for every good thing that happened in the sport this year, about 5 bad things happened. While performance-wise it was a great year, the political and media side of the sport continually dropped the ball, or, for puns sake, the baton.

So without further adieu, I present to you the eatrunswag list of the biggest fails of 2012 in no particular order.

(FYI- I just typed this in a McDonalds in Amarillo, Texas. Still 5 hours more to drive today. #DEDICATION )

NYC marathon handling:
No disrespect to anybody effected by Sandy, much love. But holy hell, the handling of the NYC marathon was a total sh-tshow. Regardless of what side you were on, I think we can all agree that the non running American public watched in amusement as directors and officials decided what to do at the last minute. I did enjoy hearing, however, stories of some of the world’s best marathoners getting absolutely blasted upon hearing about the cancellation and showing up to the press meeting the following day very hungover. Ask your local elite marathoner for specifics.
(My 2012 post about it: http://eatrunswag.com/2012/11/04/breaking-news-with-nyc-marathon-cancellation-all-in-ny-back-to-normal/)

The perfect storm of idiocy

The perfect storm of idiocy

Doping road racer-
Because we seemed to enjoy making our sport even more of a joke to the public eye this year, one of the few running related stories to make it to mainstream media (NY Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/15/sports/runner-christian-hesch-describes-doping-with-epo.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0 ) was the story about Christian Hesch using PEDs to win road races. Here’s to hoping this scumbag never wins another fun run again.

I don't always dope. But when I do, I make sure I do ridiculous things like pushups before the finish line to show people how much of a douche I am

I don’t always dope. But when I do, I make sure I do ridiculous things like pushups before the finish line to show people how much of a douche I am

Lance Armstrong-
Dude, rough finish to this year.. Now I don’t really care about you being a cheater, because I assumed you were doping anyway, and I assume anybody in the top 50 is juicing. You were still probably the best since everybody else was on the same stuff, but you probably should just stop lying. Enjoy being very broke soon I guess..

2013 is going to suck more than a Ryan Reynolds movie :'(

2013 is going to suck more than a Ryan Reynolds movie :’(

USATF
With the current ‘fiscal cliff’ nonsense going on due to the apparent inability of our lovely government to be able to focus on the needs of the American people, it’s fitting that one of the BIGGEST FAILS of the year was USATF and their sketchy ass way of keeping American track and field athletes poor. Big ups to Nick Symmonds for actually being useful for something other than slamming beers, babes, and 800m races. I sure hope the next USATF president knows what they’re doing. I also hope he/she will let all this trash talking I’ve done towards the USATF slide should I eventually become good and want to run in a respectable meet <3
(My post on Rule 40: http://eatrunswag.com/2012/07/29/rule-40-the-keep-em-poor-rule/ )

Hey gurl, I know you're busy screwing up our sport, but I just wanna make a few bucks. I believe in you <3

Hey gurl, I know you’re busy screwing up our sport, but I just wanna make a few bucks. I believe in you <3

ALAN WEBB-
Ok call me a douche but I just don’t think it’s at all impressive when AN AMERICAN RECORD HOLDER makes a ‘comeback’ by running VERY mediocre college times. It makes for some entertaining letsrun comments and sure makes my job easier though. ALAN- STOP being a head case, you are a good runner. I actually do have faith you have some good races in you yet.

If we could even just get this Webb back in 2013...

If we could even just get this Webb back in 2013…

Message board posters and blog commenters -
First- some of the commenters on my blog. Jesus Christ. For the 100th time, this blog is in existence for the sole purpose of adding some fun criticism into this sport. I was tired of how boring running blogs were. (I’m sorry but I’d rather re-read the Scarlett Letter than read a daily inspirational running blog. That stuff is similar to the mundaneness of Christian worship music in my book). Every time I poke fun at some elite runner I get hoards of middle aged hobby joggers calling me full of myself and an a-hole.
Second- letsrun posters, re-read this post: I definitely LOVE letsrun, don’t get me wrong, the front page is fantastic. But the message board can frequently get SUPER racist. Damn y’all. It’s 2012.
(Post on this from 2012- http://eatrunswag.com/2012/05/17/letsrunmessageboardposters/ )

This.

This.

Nike-
You let that sketchy ass agent Block into your tent at the trials despite him supposed to have been serving a ban from the sport for BEING A CHEATER ( http://www.letsrun.com/2012/block-0701.php ). Also, kicking out the Brooks guys. We understand you make good product but do y’all have to be such dicks about it?

ADIDAS.

ADIDAS.

Sub 2 marathon dude, training with weights.-
Nice article written by my skinny dipping partner Ryan Sterner on Flotrack on this guy: http://www.flotrack.org/article/13438-Hobie-Call-Sub-2-Hour-Marathoner

His 24min lunging mile world record, however, is quite impressive.

His 24min lunging mile world record, however, is quite impressive.

Geared up runners-
This post: http://eatrunswag.com/2012/09/21/running-in-groups-with-ipods-stop-this-madness/ . You hobby joggers never fail to make me hate this sport.

KILL IT WITH FIRE

KILL IT WITH FIRE

Ashton Eaton ESPN-
Ok I don’t have to preach to the choir here, I’m sure all of you are in agreement that Ashton Eaton’s world record and Olympuc victory were some of the greatest performances in the history of sports. But ESPN rated some kid catching a baseball in his hat higher than his performance.. Although I guess we shouldn’t take to much stock in a program that allows Lou “Lispy” Holtz and Steven “I know his mother” Smith to be official representatives for football and basketball.

ONLY 10th!!!???

ONLY 10th!!!???

Paul Ryan marathon lie-
Lying about your marathon time as a politician is as ridiculous as lying about your marathon time as politician. Who cares, why would you lie about such a trivial thing? Oh well, gotta give the repubs credit for being 2 for 2 on running sexy Vice Presidential candidates. Here’s my politician PR post from 2012: http://eatrunswag.com/2012/11/06/election-day-post-politician-prs/

I know how you're so fit, because you've been running through my mind all day

I know how you’re so fit, because you’ve been running through my mind all day

God-
To be fair, the big guy probably tops a ‘best of’ list if I was to make one as nearly every athlete who won an event in London was only able to do so because he let them (read this fellow wolverine’s post, SPOT ON: http://rustywoods.wordpress.com/2012/07/02/jesus-the-don-draper-of-the-2012-us-olympic-trials/ )) but for every athlete that didn’t win.. Well, it was part of his plan. And his plan for you just isn’t as fun as Usain Bolt’s, sorry bout it!

I was gunna make humans run sub 2 hours in the marathon..but then I got  too busy with my creation of AIDS and what not

I was gunna make humans run sub 2 hours in the marathon..but then I got too busy with my creation of AIDS and what not lol sorry my bad!

Me-
Very inconsistent, disappears for long stretches of time, picks on famous runners, isn’t that good of a runner, etc. sorry, maybe ill be better this new year.

Stashie's for Nashies went well this year.

Are you not entertained?

Christmas Carols: EatRunSwag style.

25 Dec

Merry Christmas (Eve) y’all.  While in the Christmas spirit I decided to rip off write a few Christmas carols for the rare ERS blog post.  I’ll have some more up tomorrow, probably one revolving around our girl Suzy Favors for everybody Hamilton, and the like.

Look for the Best of/Worst of 2012 lists to come soon!

PS- if you wanna give me an xmas present, snapchat me at eatrunswag , I’m a snapchat fiend.

The Adidas Cadence just don't compare :( (Shoutout to whoever I stole this picture from.)

The Adidas Cadence just don’t compare :( (Shoutout to whoever I stole this picture from, Bailey.)

O Victories

O Victories! O Victories!
Thy Flywire is so amazing;
O Victories! O Victories!
Thy Flywire is so amazing;
Not only good for the 15,
But also good for sub 14.
O Victories! O Victories!
Thy Flywire is so amazing!

O Victories! O Victories!
Much pleasure thou can’st give me;
O Victories! O Victories!
Much pleasure thou can’st give me;
But unfortunately,
My school is not Nike,
O victories! O Victories!
Much pleasure thou cannot give me :(

O victories! O Victories!
Sometimes I wish we were Nike.
Oh victories oh victories,
Sometimes I wish we were Nike.
I love Adidas trainers and shirts,
But hate their shorts that look like miniskirts,
Oh victories oh victories,
No spike can compare to thee.

WARNING: This next song is tasteless, offensive, and the typical satirical thing you’d find on this site. All you adults, Oregon fans, pre’s family members, and my typical hate mail senders should just skip this one.
This is wrong.. Wrong that I don't have photoshop and couldn't put a grandma in this pic :'(

This is wrong.. Wrong that I don’t have photoshop and couldn’t put a grandma in this pic :’(

Grandma Got Run Over By A Runner

Grandma got run over by a runner
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Pre’s ghost
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

She’d been drinkin’ too much ‘egg nog’
And we’d begged her not to go
But she said the roads would be clear,
And stumbled out the door into the snow.

When they found her Christmas mornin’
At the scene of the crash,
There were Nike swooshes on her forehead
And incriminatin’ Green O’s on her back

Grandma got run over by a runner,
Drunk driving a gold MG Christmas eve,
You can say there’s no such thing as pre’s ghost,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

Now were all so proud of Grandpa
He’s been takin’ this so wonderfully,
See him in there watchin’ Bekele’s 5k,
Drinkin’ beer and playin’ cards with Kara G.

Grandma got run over by a runner
Who mowed her down with his car on Christmas eve,
You can say there’s no such thing as Pre’s ghost.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

I’ve warned all my friends and fellow runners,
Better watch out for your lives,
They should never give a license
To a man who drinks and drives.

Grandma got run over by a runner
Driving home from a party on Christmas eve,
You can say there’s no such thing as Pre’s ghost,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!

I wouldn't touch you with a 16foot pole vault pole!

I wouldn’t touch you with a 16foot pole vault pole!

Mrs Usatf ( you grinch!)

You’re a mean one, Mrs. USATF,
You really don’t treat your athletes right!
You take all of their profits,
So their wins are always really losses,
Mrs. USATF!
You’re a greasy slimy organization,
With plenty of misinformation,
You’re a monster, Mrs. USATF!

Christmas- Rupp Certified

Christmas- Rupp Certified

Ruppdolph the Face Masked Runner

RUPP-dolph the face masked runner,
Had a really sensitive nose,
And if you ever saw his skin tone,
You would even say it glows,

All of the other runners,
Used to laugh and call him names (like Peter Pan!)
They never let him join them,
In all the other runner games (like the beer mile)

Then one foggy August eve,
Salazar came to say,
Ruppdolf with your tactics so right,
Won’t you guide my Mo tonight,

Then how the runners loved him,
Even yours truly,
Ruppdolph the face masked runner,
Your 10k will go down in history.

Keep dreaming

Keep dreaming

A White Christmas Dream for Cam Levins (Give me a day off!)

I’m dreaming of a day off this Christmas,
My last day off was years ago,
30 miles run yesterday,
Calf muscles in constant pain,
Doubles and triples in the snow.

I’m dreaming of a day off on Christmas,
With every mile that I run,
May your days be merry and bright,
While you’re opening presents ill be trudging through the white

I’m dreaming of a day off this Christmas
190 miles a week is getting old,
May your days be merry and bright
While Im out here training in the cold :(
Merry Christmas (Eve) !!

Election Day Post: Politician PR’s

6 Nov

I thought of possibly doing another satire piece but there is already going to be enough political arguments going on in everybody’s Facebook feeds today.  So here is a list of the fastest politicians, enjoy!
(NOTE: These are American politicians only)

Paul Ryan (His REAL time): 4:01:25

He may be a liar and kind of a sh1tty person, but he is still a beautiful, beautiful man.

Michele Bachmann- 21:52 5k

She didn’t even train, just ran on pure hate

Rick Perry- Former avid triathlete, 1:42:17 half marathon, 21min 5k

Shorts over tights!! NOOOOO RICK PERRY NOO!!!

Sarah Palin- 3:59:36

Don’t try to outrun this cougar!

Palin gets a high ranking because she ran her sub 4 on frozen ice keeping her eyes on the Russians.

George W. Bush: 3:44:52 Marathon, 5k PR- SUB 20min

GEORGE BUSH HATES SLOW PEOPLE

Michael Dukakis: 3:31:00

He did better in this race than his vice-presidential run

John Edwards: 3:30:18

Presumably he got his mileage in while running to his mistress’s house

Harry Reid: 3:16 at Boston

This mormon leaves Romney in the dust

Max Baucus: 3:01:18

 

Who the hell is Max Baucus?

Gary Johnson: IRONMAN 10hrs39min, CLIMBED MOUNT EVEREST

 

I VOTED FOR YOU <3

 

Barack Obama: sub 13 5k

Guys, he’s a Kenyan, duh!

Ron Paul: 220yd PR 22.2, 440yd PR 51.2!!!!

State champ in the 1800′s!

 

Jim Ryun: 3:51 mile

Clear winner in this race.

 

Breaking News: With NYC Marathon Cancellation, all in NY back to Normal

4 Nov

Following pressures from bourgeois fat internet bloggers journalists, crossfitters, The NY Post and other media outlets, Mary Wittenberg cancelled this year’s jog through the city most famous for The Beastie Boys, A-Rod, Rudy Giuliani, and the cast of Mob Wives.

The Pride of NY

Wittenberg and Bloomberg handled the cancellation fantastically by giving the athletes word of the cancellation a whopping 2 days before the race.

In the post NYCM cancellation time-span, the city has undergone a miraculous transformation.  As the sun rose above the Big Apple this morning it’s glorious rays didn’t fall on destroyed piers, flooded homes, and powerless homes.  Instead, daybreak displayed a completely healed and repaired metropolis.

With the lack of weirdos wearing grossly short shorts trotting through the city and bringing mayhem to the city with their displays of athleticism and struggle, the empire city was finally able to heal.

NYC before the cancellation

 

NYC this morning due to the NYCM not happening

 

 

A study done by an imaginary person at the New York Post reports that the power generators that the marathon course had planned to use were able to power the entire city.

“The New York Post is definitely the most credible news source!”- Said Nobody, ever.

“Do you know how much energy it costs to keep the marathon clock on for the people with finishing times greater than 4 hours?  Enough to restore power to every project building in the Bronx! Selfish runners should be ashamed of what resources they were keeping for themselves and a silly “PR” or whatever they call it.” reports an internet blogger from Seattle who had spent the previous 48 hours slamming every poster in favor of the marathon online for not donating their life savings to the relief effort.  (When questioned how much he had donated, he offered no reply)

I don’t always criticize people for not donating to relief efforts, but when I do, I make sure I dont donate either

The power generators from the race restoring power to all five boroughs was just the first ingredient to the city’s overnight regeneration.  Without 40,000 Phidippides wannabees crowding the city for 8 or so hours, those left homeless from the storm were able to rebuild their apartment complexes hastily without having annoying runners interrupting their work asking them where the nearest port-a-potties are.

Actual picture of homeless enthusiastically getting to work on their homes this morning

While many proponents for having the marathon run today offered that the race would provide inspiration to many throughout the city, after today’s miraculous display of healing it’s clear that wallowing in the pain and suffering of a natural disaster is the best way to fix problems.  Inspiration is just for those damn hippy liberals.  Widespread anger, finger pointing, resentment, and more complaining than an all day TV marathon of The View injected the spirit that had almost been broken right back into the city.

 

 

IN RELATED NEWS: NYPD reports a spike in mischief committed by Kenyans in the city over the last 48 hours.  After finding out the marathon was cancelled, elite Kenyans spent the night playing the world’s most intense game of Red-Light Green-Light through all of Manhattan.  Afterwards they headed to the bar and caused problems when consuming one single sip of alcohol caused the athletic beings with -24 percent body fat to get instantly frat-bro on saint patty’s day level drunk.  Bouncers commented that at first they were scared of the unruly drunk runners until a breeze came into the bar and they were instantly carried away with it.

 

Also, sightings of Kenyans racing up stairwells in skyscrapers and starting a very efficient pedi-cab service were reported

 

Running in Groups with iPods. STOP THIS MADNESS

21 Sep

After another hiatus, I’m back again!  Here’s a short one until I finish the interview with the Lady Wolverines (coming soon!) Anyways, the thought for this blog came to me the other day.  It was a product of my anger at this atrocity which I witness almost daily building up over years and years.  What is this atrocity I speak of?

GIRLS PEOPLE RUNNING NEXT TO EACH OTHER WHILE WEARING iPODS.

LOL yeah, let’s go running together. BUT DONT YOU DARE SAY A F*^%$@# WORD TO ME.

I have a personal connection to my hatred towards this subject.  It all started many, many years ago.  I believe it was my junior year of high school.  One of the girls on the team, a pretty decent runner at 10:30 something in the 2 mile and low 4:50s in the mile, invited me to get some miles in with her really early in the morning before school.  I said sure, sounds great!  I get to the parking lot ready run at about 6am, and I notice as soon as we’re about to start running she puts headphones on.  WUT.  Then, only a few minutes into the run I tried to start a conversation.  It was like talking to a tree.  A tree with boobs who runs next to you silently.  Every time I tried to say something, she had to pause her iPhone, and take a headphone out.  It was like those awkward newscasts where there is a delay between the question asked and the reporter in some far away area responding.  Also I had to repeat my questions twice every freaking time.

Girl from story above, plus me with braces and shiny Bieber hair.

Now I thought maybe that was a rare occurrence, because surely people usually meet to run because they like having somebody to talk to as they burn off the calories from last night’s dorm food and/or frat party, right?

WRONG.  As soon as I got to college I started seeing, mainly sorority looking girls, doing this EVERY FREAKING DAY.

Guy: “Thank God I don’t have to listen to this lady.”

This concept baffles me.  There have been runs where there is no way in hell I would have finished without having some brothers in suffering next to me.

Picture below is relevant because I’d assume people do this to purposely not have to pay attention to their workout partner.

Women, terrible people. (except for my mother sister and girlfriend)*

It’s like going to the movies with somebody and bringing your laptop so you can watch a different movie on it.

It’s like hanging out with someone else but your friend spends the entire time texting (GIRLS.)

 

If you absolutely need to listen to music to go for a run, you should probably just quit running and see if you can get a prescription for your ADD.

So, please, PUT AN END TO THIS MADNESS.

 

Unless you look like this when you exercise with an iPod. This is ok.

Big Sean likes this.

Rule 40: The “Keep em Poor!” Rule.

29 Jul

It seems that continuing to make the Olympic Sports, especially Track and Field, look like a joke has been the theme of the last few months.  We’ve all followed Symmonds and many of his fellow athletes battles with the IAAF and USATF, but now we’re finally seeing the effect that these fucking stupid unfair advertising rules have on a MUCH larger scale.  A problem of Olympic proportions you might say.

But hey, look on the bright side, it’s not just America screwing it up this time.

Rule 40 (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH RULE 34 of the Internet) was developed by the Olympic Committee to keep the small companies and athletes from profiting help prevent “ambush advertising” as well as helping to preserve the “amateurism” and “integrity” feel of the games.

Rule 34 > Rule 40

First of all if you don’t think the Olympics are a completely commercialized event and really are just about friendly competition and athletic endeavors, wake the hell up.

Not just a game

The rule is set up to make sure the money stays in the hands of the big boys.  Basically, only the major corporations who have spent MILLIONS upon MILLIONS of dollars to be official sponsors of the games, are the only companies with any rights to advertise with the benefit of Olympic association.

Forbes did a really well put-together article here describing some of the odd restrictions these rules have:

http://www.forbes.com/sites/jacquelynsmith/2012/07/24/olympic-hurdles-for-advertisers-the-games-unique-rules-and-restrictions/

The “Chips” ban and the ATM restrictions are my favorites in the article, copied and quoted from Forbes below (I gave you credit Forbes so I’m fairly sure this isn’t plagiarism)

  • All 800 Olympic food retailers are banned from serving chips (French fries) during the Games in Britain—except for McDonald’s. A leaked memo reads, “Due to sponsorship obligations with McDonalds, LOCOG have instructed the catering team they are no longer allowed to serve chips on their own anywhere within the Olympic park. The only loophole to this is if it is served with fish.”
  • ATMs at Olympic venues have been replaced by Visa ATMs, as part of an exclusivity deal. This means that those without Visa cards won’t be able take out cash.

That seems fair, right?  So much for equal opportunities for local businesses.

Proud sponsor of the Olympic Games

The rule also prevents the actual athletes from appearing in advertising during the games.  Ok yeah, this probably will not effect Kobe Bryant, Michael Phelps, or Lebron James at all, but what about the athletes who don’t make sickening amounts of money every year? More specifically the athletes whose biggest most important event is the Olympics and really probably the only real opportunity for the athletes to make a significant amount of money with the worldwide exposure.

I’m gunna take a wild guess and assume Female Olympic Archers don’t make 20mil a year from their sport.  (Photo Cred: Gawker)

In conjunction with athletes not being allowed to appear in non-official sponsor advertising, the athletes are also forbidden from doing any kind of advertising through social media.  If an athlete wanted to send a shoutout to “EatRunSwag” (let’s imagine this blog is a real brand for a second) for helping them make it to the Olympics, this would be forbidden.  (Feel free to thank me if you’d like though, Olympians, especially you Mr. Rupp ;) )

If Rupp said “Thank you (insert sponsor here)!”, VIOLATION. You’re welcome, though.

How do the athletes feel about this?  Check this good collection of Twitter responses below:

http://twitchy.com/2012/07/29/wedemandchange-many-u-s-olympic-track-and-field-athletes-protest-rule-40/

Leo Manzano is particularly upset because the rule prevents him from doing something as simple as describing how much he likes his spikes. RIDICULOUS, HOW DARE HE!!!??

So if a non-major sponsor wouldn’t be able to use a sponsored athlete in any form of advertisement during the Olympics, why the hell would said sponsor have any reason/desire to sponsor the athlete?  This just sets us even further back in the advertising fiasco.   It’s not as if sponsors were jumping at every chance to sponsor track athletes before this rule, and now they’re pretty much being told that if they did sponsor the athletes, they really wouldn’t be able to profit at all from it and could face punishment should they try to. If I was one of those corporations, I guess I wouldn’t waste my time sponsoring the athletes either.  This keeps the money with the major corporations as well as making sure it also stays out of the athletes hands.

Great job Olympic Committee, way to preserve the spirit of the Olympics.

The unofficial slogan goes: “The most important thing is not to win, but to take part!”, well we know who’s winning, and sadly, it’s not the athletes.

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