The BEST bad movie you’ve never seen!

13 Jun

After turning my #swag on at Massage Envy for my deep tissue massage this morning I took my talents to the Half Price Books across the street.  After searching for Wallace’s Infinite Jest (They didn’t have it ..) I settled for Vonnegut’s Breakfast of Champions.  While waiting for Blackie Chan, Big Sean, and Alayna Fuckett to meander on down to the 1890 Ranch Shopping Center to meet me for some chow, I decided to browse through the impressive DVD collection that the store offers.  There were plenty of Digital Video Discs that would have made a pretty effin’ sweet addition to my already pretty effin’ sweet collection but I refrained from purchasing them in order to save some money for lunch (I’ll come back for you later Breakfast at Tiffany’s!).  While getting ready to take my talents to the register I spotted a ONE DOLLAR DVD CART.  I’ll buy anything for a dollar. Anything..  That’s when I saw it, Gigli.  If you’ve somehow never heard of the film, it was rated as one of the worst movies of all time sporting a 2.4 rating on IMDB and an abysmal 6% on RottenTomatoes.  I had to check it out and see if I agreed.

Upon viewing the movie poster one might think this movie has some promise (unless you’ve actually viewed a Ben Affleck film before and know that he is just about as good at acting as deaf people are at talking.)

I assumed it’d be a movie about some ‘badass guy’ who actually has a ‘great heart’ but just doesn’t know it (via The Grinch).  I assumed he’d meet this nice minority lady (think she’s Puerto Rican?) while she was cleaning his apartment and they’d fall in love and after going through some ‘hard times’ and ‘fights’ they’d get married and live happily ever after.  NOPE. Not even close.

Gigli's literal meaning: Short-cut pasta

This is the actual plot:  This hitman (Affleck) is hired to kidnap the son of the man currently prosecuting a Mob Boss (played by none other than Al Pacino).  Affleck kidnaps the son, and brings him to his apartment.  Soon after returning home with his hostage, a hott-ass Mexican woman knocks on the door and smooth talks her way into the apartment with her milk makers and ‘junk in the trunk’.  She then tells Affleck that she was sent to help him take care of the hostage because his boss doesn’t trust him.  He gets angry and yells a bunch of bullshit but eventually submits and loses the argument (women always win..) The plot thickens: He tries getting in J-lo’s pants since she has a rockin’ bod and is staying in the same house with him.  His advances are denied with this classic line:
J-lo: You’re not my type.  Ben: What about me is not your type??!? J-lo: Your PENIS.
Yes, friends, J-lo is a LESBIAN (I’d like all my male followers reading this blog to take the next few minutes to imagine a steamy lesbo sex scene with J-lo and your other flavor of choice).  They end up learning a lot about each other through taking care of this hostage and predictably J-lo lets Affleck get ‘all up in that’.  Right before they fornicate J-lo says (AND THIS IS A REAL LINE):
It’s Turkey Time….. GOBBLE GOBBLE.!
They have an incredibly awkward sex scene in which Affleck plays the girl in the relationship and takes the bottom while J-lo makes motions like she’s sticking it in his vagina (I’m not making this up).  They then decide to abandon this life of crime they are mixed up in and decide to return their hostage then ditch town together.  Won’t spoil the ending but that’s the basic plot and the set up for the events at the ending.  Only I left out one MAJOR part… 

THE HOSTAGE IS A TWENTY-SOMETHING YEAR OLD MENTALLY RETARDED MAN THAT BEN AFFLECK KIDNAPPED FROM AN ADULT DAY CARE.  SAY WHAAAAT??

In this scene, Ben Affleck is cutting off a thumb of a body in a morgue he snuck into with a PLASTIC FORK while the mentally retarded dude stands in the corner and raps the lyrics to "Baby Got Back". I'm not making this up!

Now as if kidnapping a retard from an adult daycare wasn’t enough, Ben Affleck is a total dick to him most of the movie and on multiple occasions gets pissed and screams “Why can’t you just act normal you fucking retard?”.  Then, as if that wasn’t offensive enough, every time there is a moment of silence when the group is all together the retarded man-boy starts rapping A Capella.  

Take a second to digest all that.  Who the f#$! thinks up that script? And give me whatever he was drinking please.  With that train-wreck of a script it’s impossible to watch the movie and not laugh.  Between the HORRIBLE dialogue and just absolutely outrageous script I found myself laughing so hard I teared up several times and by the end of the movie my stomach was sore from laughing so hard for so long.  Was this the worst movie I’ve ever seen? No.  Have you seen How Do You Know? starring Reese Witherspoon, Paul Rudd, and Owen Wilson? I’ll never get that 90 minutes back!  No, actually, I recommend this movie!  With some guidelines first.  1.) Don’t watch it alone. 2.) Watch it with people who have a good sense of humor. and 3.) Say as many funny things as you can about the film as you watch it.  You’ll have a great time. It’s one of those “So bad it’s good” type films.  Don’t pay more than 4 dollars to view the film however..

Gigli- 6.4/10 (Highest rating it’s ever gotten for sure)

Side notes:

-It took 100 minutes of viewing the film before a single black person appeared (RACIST).
-The retard had better skills with women than I do
-Ben and J-lo were each paid 12 million dollars for their roles in the movie.  The movie only grossed 7 million.

Best quotes from the movie:

Affleck- If by some fuckin’ miracle long shot you haven’t heard of my reputation let me tell you who the fuck I am! I am the fuckin’ Sultan of Slick, Sadie! I am the rule of fuckin’ cool! You wanna be a gangster? You wanna be a thug? You sit at my fuckin’ feet and gather the pearls that emanate forth from me! Because I’m the fuckin’ original, straight-first-foremost, pimp-mack, fuckin hustler, original gangster’s gangster!

Retard- When my penis sneezes, I say, ‘God bless you’… God bless you, penis.

#teamBennifer

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