Jesse Eisenberg Gives Weak Handshakes!

11 Jul




Today I met a famous person y’all!

His name is Jesse Eisenberg, and he’s most famous for inventing Facebook

I heard he has 500,000,000 friends


He was in Austin because he’s in some new movie called “30 Minutes or Less”. It has Nick Swardson, Danny McBride and Aziz Ansari as co-stars.  I haven’t seen it but I’ll review it for you now: It was freaking hilarious, go see it. I really liked that one part where Jesse was all awkward, then that one part where Danny said the f word a lot, then that one part where Nick’s sexual orientation was questionable. So zany!

I give it a 10/10


He was at the legendary “Homeslice Pizza” on South Congress Ave. serving up slices of pizza.  I guess Facebook must be doing poorly or something if he had to take this shitty job as a pizza server.  I guess Google+ blew up way faster than he expected (ADD ME BTW BB’s, I GOT MY ACCOUNT TODAY :D!!!)

I waited in line for like 30min  4 days until finally I got to the front.  It was cool and all that he served me the pizza but honestly I was more excited for a free slice of pizza and a coke.  I mean you can see a famous person anytime, but how often do you get free slices of pizza y’all?

Look how excited I am


Anyway, before he gave me the slice of pizza, he gave me a complimentary handshake to cleanse my palate.  And let me tell you, that handshake was WEAK dude!  Lacked confidence, lacked care, lacked poise, lacked gentlemanliness.  Here’s an example of him shaking my AFRICAN AMERICAN friend Chris’s hand (I have black friends y’all!)



Notice Chris’s hand, firmly closed and thumb locked in.  Notice Jesse’s limp wrist and unaffectionate thumb.  Party foul bro.


I’m not super mad about it though.  In fact, I’m kinda happy.  I’m happy that Jesse’s on-screen awkward ass jew version of Michael-Cera character is actually how he is in real life.  That gives me hope.  Maybe Johnny Depp really is a zany pirate bro always getting into trouble in real life.  Maybe Daniel Radcliffe will save all of us muggles someday.  Maybe Tom Hanks really is “special”.


Keep on being awkward bro, can’t wait to see your new movie. Hopefully you make a sequel to that Facebook movie, maybe one about LiveJasmin or YouJ***






PS- READ MY GIRL AUDREY SMITH’s BLOG @ !!! Please. She’s coming to visit me in Texas in exactly a week and we shall do some crazy bro-noodling blogs together ❤ ❤ ❤ too


7 Responses to “Jesse Eisenberg Gives Weak Handshakes!”

  1. Adobe Slabs July 12, 2011 at 12:33 am #

    omg i love you thats all

  2. Matt Ellenberger July 12, 2011 at 5:09 am #

    That movie looks fucking hilarious. “Guess what officer, you just brought a gun to a bomb fight”

  3. dee July 21, 2011 at 10:24 pm #

    Another gratuitous, random reference to Jesse Eisenberg being Jewish? I’m pretty sure that, at this point in the game, every such reference should be accompanied by a mention of the fact that Natalie Portman, Logan Lerman, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Paul Rudd and Mila Kunis are also all Jewish. That’s for starters.

  4. eatrunswag July 21, 2011 at 11:09 pm #

    Once again, this is a humor blog. I say offensive things. If it offends you go read a boring blog.

    • dee August 27, 2011 at 10:22 am #

      LOL, to point out that Douchy Eisenturd is a Jew for the ninety thousandth eighty third time is the most boring thing you can do. If you don’t want to be boring, why don’t you expand your Jew horizons beyond the pre-approved nerds, freaks, geeks, and car crash-victim lookalikes who have been undemocratically designated “Jewish”.

      • eatrunswag August 27, 2011 at 12:43 pm #

        Somebody call the waaaaahhhhmbulance!

        Dude eat a dick, this blog isn’t about singling out Jewish people it’s mainly about running.

  5. Speedgoggles July 27, 2011 at 2:23 am #

    You look like Mark Zuckerberg. Marry me.

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