Rupp and Solinsky Suffering from Rare Disorder

27 Jul

Disclaimer: THESE QUOTES ARE NOT REAL. THIS IS A HUMOR BLOG. DON’T TAKE WHAT I SAY TOO SERIOUSLY. DON’T SUE ME.

While the inability of Rupp and Solinsky to finish races has both shocked and pissed off fans across the nation this summer, it is now evident from recent tests at the Nike lab that they are both suffering from a new and rare disorder. American Born Distance Runner Syndrome (ABDRS).  

Rupp-  “It’s really great to finally have a diagnosis.  It’s been a real struggle to complete big races this summer but little did I know it was just because I was born in the US!  I thought it was that silly pollen!”

Both athletes were sent to the lab after their absolute failure at the recent Diamond League 5000m race in Monaco.  At first the falls of both athletes were blamed on Ethiopian runner Imane Merga.  But after using common sense analyzing the video, it was evident that a 100 pound Ethiopian knocking 200 pound Chris Solinsky off the track was highly unlikely.

Merga

vs.

Solinsky

The lab tests revealed that the source of the problems of the two runners stemmed from the fact that they were both born here in the US.

Solinsky- “You know, I don’t know how I didn’t realize I had this disorder earlier.  Lagat and Farah have been making us look like little sissies all year but they both have something in common: Neither was born in the country that they currently represent.  Plus that Manzano guy is from Mexico right?”

It’s true. Bernard Lagat, the current hope for an American distance medal at the upcoming WC’s was born in Kenya.  Mo Farah, the UK’s most recent running phenom was born in Somalia.

Rupp (and Farah’s) coach Alberto Salazar is not worried, however.
Salazar- “White people can win races, I’m sure of it. Remember that time I won Boston? We just need to develop better technology than Kenya and Ethiopia.  I’m currently researching skin-dye pigment and I’ve been meeting with James Cameron to see if gene transplanting is possible.  Remember that time I won Boston? That was cool huh?”

Technology is the key, says Salazar

Both Schumacher (Solinsky’s coach) and Salazar have started a new training regimen that really focuses on crossing the finish line.
Schumacher- “I guess it’s one thing you don’t really think about when training.  Kenyans and Ethiopians just know how to cross the line, it’s part of their genetics.  For these American-Born runners it’s just a little more difficult.  At the end of every workout I’ve been painting a little white line at the finish for Chris to cross.  The first few times he (Solinsky) dropped out of the workout about 800m early and yelled at me that he was pushed.  When I told him ‘Chris, you’re the only one out here’ he teared up and said ‘I know..’.  After admitting to the problem, he’s finishing most of the workouts I give him now. It’s a real step forward.”

Rupp has been noticing improvements as well.
“It was really starting to effect many other aspects of my life, you know, not finishing.  I starting cooking breakfast the other day, two eggs over easy, and halfway through I just kind of walked away.  Had Salazar not stayed the night nobody would have been there to smell the smoke and prevent my house from burning down.  And things have been really tough with the wife lately..it was hard enough to get a wife, and this whole not finishing thing is taking a toll.  Since the new pills Alberto has been making me take along with practicing not falling I’ve been able to ‘finish’.  I’m looking forward to WC’s.  As long as the pollen-count is nice maybe I’ll finish.  Maybe.”

With a month until the WC’s in Daegu, both athletes have plenty of time to work on the downfalls of being an American-Born distance runner.  If they use their time wisely, maybe we’ll see some successful performances there.  If not, we still have Lagat.

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21 Responses to “Rupp and Solinsky Suffering from Rare Disorder”

  1. Aron Taylor July 28, 2011 at 8:37 am #

    I love this!!! America’s new voice of reason. ~AT @ xcnation.com

  2. some duder July 28, 2011 at 1:12 pm #

    salazar was born in cuba. so…

    • Spencer July 30, 2011 at 6:37 pm #

      Took the words out of my mouth…

  3. catewestenhover July 28, 2011 at 2:25 pm #

    Lol, I feel a little sorry for Galen and Chris. But they’re 0/2 with Pre and Monaco… shape up, men! Great commentary on the state of US running :/ At least we have Lagat, hahaha

  4. Ben July 28, 2011 at 5:21 pm #

    Imane Merga is Ethiopian, just saying, Brodeo.

  5. Rick Miller July 29, 2011 at 10:29 pm #

    Hilarious, Mr. Ornelas… Nicely done. Now write me that Gazelle’s feature story already…

  6. Rupp and Solinsky fan July 29, 2011 at 11:53 pm #

    There is a typo when Solinsky talks, should have said Lagat and Farah.
    And Rupp is married, so he wouldn’t have a gf.
    And Aaron Taylor knows nothing about running.

  7. pierce.mb@hotmail.com July 30, 2011 at 2:54 pm #

    Was funny until last comment about Rupp. Bringing his wife into the spotlight and bashing their sex life is just wrong. Thats to personal

  8. Kyle July 31, 2011 at 2:19 am #

    You should be a writer for The Onion, I love this!!! haha

  9. djost July 31, 2011 at 6:16 am #

    Maybe Rupp and Solinsky deserve this kind of talk, maybe not, I’m not completely sure. Merga is a bully on the track but it is a little rediculous (I’ll agree) to suggest that he could have disrupted Solinsky so much. I never saw Rupp’s tripping incident and don’t know if Merga was to blame or not.
    I do think that Galen having Mo Farah as a training partner will pay huge dividends down the road. Sure the Americans need to toughen up a bit, but at least we have some talent there for once. In championship 5000m races it’s all about being to unleash that 53sec last quarter regardless of the pace. I suspect that Galen is slightly more capable than Solinsky of that at this point and I think that a medal for Galen is not out of the question at the world championships. I think Solinsky will be there with two laps to go, but will ultimatly finish top 5 or 6 at best.
    Questioning their respective toughness at this point may be a bit harsh. Let’s see what happens in the World Championships first.
    My prediction for 5000m:
    Mo Farah wins Gold.
    Lagat Silver.
    Rupp 4th.
    Solinsky 6th.

  10. eatrunswag July 31, 2011 at 4:55 pm #

    Once again to all offended: THIS BLOG ISN’T MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

    Farah for Gold? Bold prediction, I like it though. Rupp for 4th, well, we’ll see. I’d be happy to see it, but I just think the Kenyans and Ethiopians are going to take up a lot of those top spots. Plus there are trials and finals right? Let’s see who makes it through!

  11. Soapy August 3, 2011 at 5:38 am #

    I liked it better before the edits/changes (except for fixing Rupp & Lagat since that was clearly just a typo). Changing “pussies” to “sissies” for example, there’s no reason to keep it PG here. The not sue part was funnier when it was sarcastic instead of seriously asking people not to be offended. Who cares if Galen has a wife, girlfriend was funnier and we got the point. Don’t listen to these oversensitive bitches, the blog is hilarious. Anyone who is truly offended by this has absolutely no sense of humor as it’s very clear that it’s meant to be a joke and not offensive. I laughed my ass off and sent it to a couple friends who loved it too. Keep posting running related stuff and I’ll keep coming back.

  12. joey August 3, 2011 at 5:07 pm #

    I’m pretty sure Salazar being “white” was a joke made on purpose.

  13. Matt August 4, 2011 at 4:33 am #

    Great pic of Galen and Alberto!

  14. Jordan Trump August 5, 2011 at 5:00 pm #

    LOL I love it! One thing I wouldn’t be able to handle about being an elite distance running is the quitting part! I’ve never quit a race because I’m too stubborn. I’ve finished some terrible, ugly races, but I absolutely can’t bring myself to quit! I realize not all of them are quitters (thank goodness!), but sometimes they have to drop out due to injury or soreness in order to protect their health and future running ability.

  15. ally August 8, 2011 at 1:42 am #

    Your blog is hilarious! Everything has been funny but I especially appreciate the runner related posts! It is great to read something from someone my age with the same interests. Keep up the good work 🙂 Also, do you have a twitter?

  16. Jorma August 8, 2011 at 10:45 pm #

    You rule dude. Great blog.

  17. eatrunswag August 9, 2011 at 5:44 pm #

    Thanks for the feedback everybody! Over 5000 views on this post!

    @Ally, yes I do, Once_a_runner or you can find me on Fbook as Zachary Ornelas

  18. Mithun mandal September 3, 2011 at 2:21 pm #

    My name is mithun man

  19. haha February 28, 2012 at 2:05 pm #

    Just took a picture from this article for a school project… Wonder what my teacher will think if she sees “eatrunswag.com” in my bibliography…

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Runner's Digest: 8.5.2011 | RW Daily - August 5, 2011

    […] a running tour? You can now do so if you find yourself visiting Atlanta… Do you suffer from American Born Distance Runner Syndrome (ABDRS)?… Whoa! The guy behind the Oatmeal comics is also an ultrarunner… Seriously? A […]

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