An Open Letter to Alan Webb

9 Apr

Maybe this post comes off as harsh because I had an incredibly disappointing race this past weekend.

Or maybe it comes off as harsh because there’s no other way to talk about the American Record holder for the mile failing to run times that would be in the top 5 for either event IN HIGH SCHOOL.  Not Swag, not swag at all.
So, Alan, PLEASE.  Do us all a favor, RETIRE.


There are some major benefits to retiring!  In case you haven’t thought about it yet, here’s some things you might not have thought about yet!
Because once retired, it becomes acceptable to talk about your glory days.

Back in my day I was a sub 4 miler!


Admittedly, you would not look this adorable

Vacation Time!

The only way you're getting there.

Getting that “Perfect” Lawn


You Can Take Part in Much Less Stressful Games/Hobbies!

Be careful, being tired from hard workouts is no excuse for losing in BINGO.

You can become a mentor for youngsters!

"We lost a lot of good men out there.."

You will be able to indulge in the finer things in life!

Won't have to watch your figure! "It'll make you live forever"

It will be socially acceptable for you to drive as slow as you’ve been running!

You probably won't drive as fast as your 800 PR but it's hard to get injured driving 15mph so you'll be safe!

Seriously man, I’d come within 5 seconds of you, if not beat you, in a 1500 right now. And I’m a terrible miler.  Just hang the spikes up, go knock some things off the bucket list!

Until next time,



27 Responses to “An Open Letter to Alan Webb”

  1. . April 9, 2012 at 5:32 pm #

    when I saw the old lady photo with chocolate i was so prepared to see the caption say “it’ll make you live forever.” from spongebob

  2. Webb fan April 9, 2012 at 10:26 pm #

    while i admire that you have the balls to say whatever you have to say, i feel you’re being harsh a bit too early in the season. at least wait until the end of this year, then make your demands clear

    • eatrunswag April 9, 2012 at 11:36 pm #

      I respect that you respect my right to trash talk people, most responses are people super offended at my jokes. My disappointment with Webb is it has been YEARS since he has produced a national class, let alone WORLD CLASS, performance. 2011-2012 have been so ugly for him it’s hard to imagine he’ll bounce back.

      BUT, as this is a satire blog, in reality I’d never wish the worst upon a fellow runner and I wouldn’t mind him proving me wrong.

  3. Just Another Guy April 10, 2012 at 12:15 am #

    The guy is just trying to stay in the running community. Okay yes, maybe he will never be as good as he was in his prime and maybe he will never achieve elite status but you can’t trash the guy for trying to get back into the sport. He obviously loves to race and he doesnt want to give it up. How can you criticize him for just racing? The guy’s prime may be over but he’s just racing again, so why should we hate on him?

    • eatrunswag April 10, 2012 at 12:19 am #

      Because, this is a RUNNING HUMOR blog.

      And because he sucks.

      • Just Another Guy April 10, 2012 at 1:15 am #

        I understand that its a humor blog, most of the stuff you post is really fun and its a really enjoyable read. But whay do you have to hate on him for running sub-par and sticking with it? I would almost praise him for that…..almost. And plus, it’s entertaining to watch the “comeback.”

  4. VanessaG April 10, 2012 at 12:53 am #

    I know your blog is for humor and “trash talk” but does it not ever bother you? I mean put yourself in Allen’s shoes and think how would you feel if someone said all that about you? U guess it wouldn’t bother you. I just believe that if you don’t have something nice to say, then keep your mouth shut. Anyways, good luck to you and Alan both. I wish you the best. Fast or slow, may you run with joy and bring glory to the one who makes all things possible. 🙂

    • eatrunswag April 10, 2012 at 1:04 am #

      I believe our sport doesn’t have enough people poking fun at it. Look at basketball stars, they miss one shot and it’s made fun of in every sports outlet in the country until the next game. If somebody made a bad blog about me I’d be honored that I’d be important enough to be acknowledged in any sort of way! Obviously all the people (well at least most) that I poke fun at on here have had very successful careers. Not going to make fun of slow guys who have always been slow, that’d just be mean.

      But maybe it’s because I’m an atheist, we lack empathy 😉

  5. OrnelasisaBITCH April 10, 2012 at 1:12 am #

    i think Zach Ornelas is a huge douche. Clearly you have not been informed that he had done a “hard” track workout that morning and the whole idea was to race on tired legs. Although, those times are still very slow for what he should be doing. BUT you are also an incredible asshole. Okay sweet you can beat him after he did a workout in the morning. You must be SUCH a good runner. oh wait…

    • eatrunswag April 10, 2012 at 1:32 am #

      Best post of the night. Thanks 🙂

  6. MoreKnowlegeableThanEatRunSwag April 10, 2012 at 1:16 am #

    I’d say that Webb should try to move up in distance before retiring. He did have that achilles problem that almost certainly still affects his ability to train like a miler. If he went up to the 10k, I’d put my money on him still having a shot at sub-27. I’d like to see a season or two of him going for broke in 5k/10k before hanging it up for good.

    • eatrunswag April 10, 2012 at 1:33 am #

      I’m thinking 1:54/3:54 don’t point to a sub 27 10k in any way. I think he has a long way to go before that, but just my opinion. He did run a nice 2 mile back in the day..

      • MoreKnowlegeableThanEatRunSwag April 10, 2012 at 1:43 am #

        Yes, of course not now. Having a messed up body as a result of trying to do hard anaerobic miler training on a bum achilles is going to prevent him from doing well in a 5k or 10k. However, you’re conveniently forgetting that he ran 13:10 and 27:34 in the only legitimately competitive 5k and 10k he ever did on the track as a pro, and on top of that, both were during what was an otherwise atrocious year for him (2006). I’d argue that focusing more on aerobic training (much less destructive when you have a bad achilles) would easily get him in better shape than that. Webb sucks right now because Vig is a moron and is burning him out. That’s all. He should’ve stayed with Salazar, but at this point, he could still be highly successful by working with Brad Hudson or someone similar who recognizes that he belongs in longer races.

      • eatrunswag April 10, 2012 at 1:46 am #

        Naw man, Galloway.

  7. MoreKnowlegeableThanEatRunSwag April 10, 2012 at 1:49 am #

    Haha, you’re such a dick. 😛

  8. Matt April 10, 2012 at 12:46 pm #

    what are his times? i havent been keeping up at all..

  9. TrackBeef April 10, 2012 at 4:20 pm #

    lmaoooo people are high-larious. Webb has been running terrible for the past like 4 years.

  10. Brittany April 11, 2012 at 12:22 am #

    i love how everyone gets so worked up when every single post there is a reminder that this is a humor blog : ) I thought it was great, especially the chocolate part

  11. p00pd00d April 14, 2012 at 2:07 am #


  12. someone was wrong April 16, 2012 at 3:10 am #

    how do you feel about webb’s 3:43/14:15 double today? is he still done?

    • someone was wrong April 16, 2012 at 3:10 am #


    • eatrunswag April 16, 2012 at 6:06 pm #

      I’ll address it in my next post.

      But yes. Somebody with PR’s of 3:30/13:10 running 3:43/14:15 is not impressive. Alister Craig ran 3:42/13:32 in the same day at Stanford, and he does not have a PR of 3:46.

      • ari April 26, 2012 at 9:31 pm #

        yo nerd

        address this. new post plaze

        yo mama

  13. Dathan Shitzenhein April 16, 2012 at 8:53 pm #

    Webb is a bitch. Sure, he represented the US in his glory days and he will always be able to gloat about his HS record setting mile. But in times of opportunity for greatness he has never flourished. Unlike me, Dathan Shitz, who has married a smokin’ hot babe and stood up when times got tough. I don’t think anyone has forgot about the infamous 2000 MHSAA XC finals where I dropped trou at the finish line, took a shit, and still finished in 14:10.

  14. :) May 1, 2012 at 1:42 am #

    No boston marathon post bb?

  15. Henry Butz May 8, 2012 at 8:09 pm #

    hahaha just found this blog yesterday and this post and your responses to the people getting upset. keep the articles coming man

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