EatRunSwag’s Super Trials Recap!

3 Jul

Quick news on shirts: Last night I submitted my bank info to the google checkout store I setup. It’s going to take up to three days to verify my account, then when I submit tax info the store is ready to go!

Anyway, all of us track junkies just got finished watching the Olympic Trials.  It was WAY more dramatic, exciting, disappointing, and controversial than many of us thought it would be.  Favored athletes failing to qualify, drug cheat agent scandals, the Fam debacle, and the women’s 100m dash amateur hour special (in the words of LR) made for an interesting week, to say the least, in the sport of track and field.

Here is my recap, with a hint of humor, and a dose of honesty.  *WARNING- This post contains foul language, humor, and satire, not recommended for the average stuck up runner douche or women who may be pregnant or nursing.

 

WOMENS 100m DASH- Tarmoh gives Felix the friendship bracelet she made for her back.

VICTORY IS MINE, BITCH.

 

We all wondered what would become of the “dead heat” between the two runners who are (were) also great friends and training partners.  I can’t really hate on Felix because when it comes down to it, track is an individual sport, and if an athlete wants as many chances to get a gold medal, that’s what they train for and live for. But dayum, gurl, I would have let her have that spot. You took 3RD in the US trials, focus on the 200m LIKE EVERY ANALYST AND FORMER GREAT has told you to! That’s a cold move. You better medal in both now babe.

 

MENS 100m- Justin Gatlin enjoys benefits of drugs to win US title and Olympic Berth

Fuck. You.

While I am not so naive to really think that a lot of the top athletes aren’t on drugs (while I desperately hope they aren’t), I firmly believe that anybody caught should get a LIFETIME BAN.  Seriously, by letting these people return for their “second” chance we’re pretty much saying, “cheat until you get caught. But if you get caught, you’re going to have to sit out until the next Olympics. Then come back and have fun!”  We aren’t providing enough incentive for people NOT to cheat.

Was also sad to see Walter Dix injured 😥

 

Womens 100m Hurdles-  Lolo Jones pops her London Olympic cherry.

..virgin?

I was going to type something about the race but I forgot while posting that picture. Enjoy

 

MENS 110m HURDLES- JEFF PORTER YEAHHHHH GO BLUE!

Those who dive…

 

Surprise 3rd place finisher Jeff Porter was so ecstatic on qualifying that he pretended there was a slip and slide after the finish line. This guy works his butt off, we see him at our track every day and he deserves this after all the hours he has put in. Go get em, and Go Blue.

Also, David Oliver looked TERRIBLE in becoming one of the most surprising athletes not to qualify .

 

WOMENS 200m DASH- Allyson Felix is way faster than I’ll ever be.

And prettier than I’ll ever be, too

 

MENS 200m DASH- Wallace Spearmon wins, no surprise there.

 

Is it racist if I think he looks like Ice T?

 

WOMENS 400m DASH-  Sanya Richards is scary fast.

I could win this shit with my eyes closed y’all

 

MENS 400m DASH- Jeremy Wariner isn’t very good at sports anymore, and Bryshon Nellum wins the swagged out comeback award 

50 cent got shot 9 times and made some shitty records. I made an Olympic Team. YOLO.

WOMENS 400m HURDLES- Arizona gal is quite a wildcat

She seems to have some swag

 

MENS 400m HURDLES- BATMAN doesn’t RETURN, has a DARK NIGHT (I’m too punny)

Pretty much this happened.

WOMENS 800- Geena Gall represents the Wolverines well, Vessey shits the bed.

Wolverine Swag

 

MENS 800- Jock runs like a high schooler, Duane Solmon makes me tear up, and Nick Symmonds proves that “One Night in Paris” was pretty helpful 

I’m staying in a “Hilton” tonight

 

WOMENS 1500- Boring. No surprises in this one.

Pretty sure she could beat me up. Blindfolded.

 

MENS 1500m- Manzano Hooks Em, Robby Andrews runs like a fool, Matt Mr Steal Yo Girl Centro through, Wheating makes second Oly team

Omg he’s so little and adorable

 

WOMENS 3k STEEPLE- Emma won. I fell behind her once. See two posts before this.

Sorry boys, she’s taken. Also, AWEEEEEEEEEEEE

 

MENS 3k STEEPLE- My team captain made the final, Jager doesn’t bomb and I like his hair, Cabral continues awesome season.

“Rule #1, no touching of the hair or face”

 

WOMENS 5K- Sorry I didn’t watch it I was driving to Flagstaff.

MENS 5k-  This race was “Rupp-Certified”, see previous post.

“Suck it Kenyan!”- Rupp

 

WOMENS 10k- Natosha Rogers proves NCAA title was not a fluke.

Eh hard to cheer for an aggie but I’m a fan.

 

MENS 10k- NBC brings in a British guy who knows his shit, Rupp makes it look easy, Teg and Ritz are back, and I just choked on a chip while typing this

I thought the starting line was the beginning..?

 

MENS DECATHLON- Ashton Eaton is really good at sports.  ESPN shows how f-cking stupid they are.

“You only ranked me 10th???”

Sports center ranked him 10th on the top 10. Behind a fan who caught a ball at a game with his hat. I’m not making this shit up.

Also how awkward was the exchange between Bruce Jenner and Dave O’Brien? Damn.

 

NIKE Proves they own the sport and don’t give a fuck about rules.

Suck it Nike/Hayward Field.

Example 1- http://www.letsrun.com/2012/block-0701.php  Excellent article by the Brojos on LetsRun. This is sure to ruin your day.

Example 2- They kicked out the Brooks dudes for a silly advertisement

Example 3- Alan Fucking Terrible at Running Webb

Example 4- Fam not let in

 

 

Wow that took a lot of time, I’m going to go do something productive now. Hope y’all enjoy this post!

Special Shout-Out to Derek Rubis, the biggest fan in track and field, who I’m sure had a phenomenal time at the trials, you deserve it Derek!

 

 

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8 Responses to “EatRunSwag’s Super Trials Recap!”

  1. Brittany July 4, 2012 at 12:18 am #

    That exchange between Jenner and O’Brien was awkward but necessary! Jenner needs to know that being a decathlete is cooler than being on the Kardashians.

    • eatrunswag July 4, 2012 at 12:38 am #

      I totally agree, but I still cringed at the “I know Bruce as an Olympic Gold medalist so it’s painful to see what he’s doing these days” line lol

      • Brittany July 4, 2012 at 5:20 pm #

        Yes it was cringeworthy I watched the meet with some friends and we all couldn’t believe that it aired on tv haha

  2. Eileen Schaller July 4, 2012 at 12:19 am #

    Zach, I loved this and was RFLMAO, at your comments, e.g. A. Felix is faster and prettier than you’ll ever be. Woo Hoo for Rupp.

  3. Soapy July 4, 2012 at 7:22 am #

    If you really didn’t see the women’s 5k you definitely should go back and check out the video. Best race of the meet in my opinion.

  4. Nice Field Breakdown July 4, 2012 at 2:42 pm #

    You and nbc must be plotting to remove field events all together. Ignorant runners….

    • eatrunswag July 4, 2012 at 9:41 pm #

      I typed out this whole review and was going to do field events..but I was tired. I really don’t know enough about what happened in field too, but I was sad to see Nelson not make the shotput team 😦

  5. Luis Barraza (@FreddyBarraza) July 19, 2012 at 5:23 pm #

    I love it, it’s like theoatmeal.com of running.

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