Breaking News: With NYC Marathon Cancellation, all in NY back to Normal

4 Nov

Following pressures from bourgeois fat internet bloggers journalists, crossfitters, The NY Post and other media outlets, Mary Wittenberg cancelled this year’s jog through the city most famous for The Beastie Boys, A-Rod, Rudy Giuliani, and the cast of Mob Wives.

The Pride of NY

Wittenberg and Bloomberg handled the cancellation fantastically by giving the athletes word of the cancellation a whopping 2 days before the race.

In the post NYCM cancellation time-span, the city has undergone a miraculous transformation.  As the sun rose above the Big Apple this morning it’s glorious rays didn’t fall on destroyed piers, flooded homes, and powerless homes.  Instead, daybreak displayed a completely healed and repaired metropolis.

With the lack of weirdos wearing grossly short shorts trotting through the city and bringing mayhem to the city with their displays of athleticism and struggle, the empire city was finally able to heal.

NYC before the cancellation


NYC this morning due to the NYCM not happening



A study done by an imaginary person at the New York Post reports that the power generators that the marathon course had planned to use were able to power the entire city.

“The New York Post is definitely the most credible news source!”- Said Nobody, ever.

“Do you know how much energy it costs to keep the marathon clock on for the people with finishing times greater than 4 hours?  Enough to restore power to every project building in the Bronx! Selfish runners should be ashamed of what resources they were keeping for themselves and a silly “PR” or whatever they call it.” reports an internet blogger from Seattle who had spent the previous 48 hours slamming every poster in favor of the marathon online for not donating their life savings to the relief effort.  (When questioned how much he had donated, he offered no reply)

I don’t always criticize people for not donating to relief efforts, but when I do, I make sure I dont donate either

The power generators from the race restoring power to all five boroughs was just the first ingredient to the city’s overnight regeneration.  Without 40,000 Phidippides wannabees crowding the city for 8 or so hours, those left homeless from the storm were able to rebuild their apartment complexes hastily without having annoying runners interrupting their work asking them where the nearest port-a-potties are.

Actual picture of homeless enthusiastically getting to work on their homes this morning

While many proponents for having the marathon run today offered that the race would provide inspiration to many throughout the city, after today’s miraculous display of healing it’s clear that wallowing in the pain and suffering of a natural disaster is the best way to fix problems.  Inspiration is just for those damn hippy liberals.  Widespread anger, finger pointing, resentment, and more complaining than an all day TV marathon of The View injected the spirit that had almost been broken right back into the city.



IN RELATED NEWS: NYPD reports a spike in mischief committed by Kenyans in the city over the last 48 hours.  After finding out the marathon was cancelled, elite Kenyans spent the night playing the world’s most intense game of Red-Light Green-Light through all of Manhattan.  Afterwards they headed to the bar and caused problems when consuming one single sip of alcohol caused the athletic beings with -24 percent body fat to get instantly frat-bro on saint patty’s day level drunk.  Bouncers commented that at first they were scared of the unruly drunk runners until a breeze came into the bar and they were instantly carried away with it.


Also, sightings of Kenyans racing up stairwells in skyscrapers and starting a very efficient pedi-cab service were reported



9 Responses to “Breaking News: With NYC Marathon Cancellation, all in NY back to Normal”

  1. Kyle November 4, 2012 at 10:32 pm #

    I understand what you’re saying. Running the marathon wouldn’t deter the city’s improvement in any way and might actually be a way of saying, “Look at what we can accomplish even after all of this destruction.”
    On the other hand, however, one cannot act as if everything is normal again. It would have just been a slap in the face to people whose homes were destroyed. It is time and energy that could be put towards helping others. Yes, plenty of runners prepared for months, years, for this event, but the loss of human life and recovering from a natural disaster is much more important. Calling off the race was the right thing to do. It would have been completely ignorant to do anything otherwise.

    • lucifer November 5, 2012 at 2:13 am #

      So why weren’t the Giants and Knicks games also canceled, or is the parading around of those athletes not also a slap in the face? Wouldn’t it be far more reasonable to send all the money those fans spent on Knicks & Giants tickets to relief efforts? Football players are big and strong, shouldn’t we send them to Staten Island to clean up? …gtfo.

  2. collegiate runner November 4, 2012 at 11:31 pm #

    your blog is awesome! and congrats on the sportsmanship award, zach 🙂

  3. Former collegiate runner November 5, 2012 at 2:03 am #

    This is obnoxious.

  4. Livio Berruti November 5, 2012 at 6:26 am #

    The first reply contains one of those vague comments”it would be a slap in the face to those who lost…” I wish I could find a slap-o-meter or list of things one is allowed to do or not do that is or isn’t a slap to those who suffered. Am I allowed to go watch the Knicks or Giants play? Allowed to Go to the movies, a concert, dinner, dine in my house with the lights on (i never lost power?). Will those who were hard hit think I’m a bad guy for going on with my life. In all my long life whenever I had bad luck( fire in apt, divorce, car wreck, open heart surgery) i didn’t think anyone had to change their lives for me.

  5. Bruce Small November 5, 2012 at 10:14 pm #

    If anyone wants to go run 26 miles in NYC they are free to do so. From a public policy perspective, the decision makers needed to balance the use of public resources that are currently in short supply, such as public safety workers, mass transit, etc., required to run the NYC Marathon, against the economic and cultural benefits from the race. Much of economic benefits have already accrued, without even running the race (plane flights, hotel bookings, etc.). A cynic might suggest that is why it took so long to cancel the race.

    While the post is clearly humorous, such as the pre- and post- race cancellation pix of Central Park, much of the mocking seems off the mark or mean: “fat internet bloggers”? Btw, it was Mayor Bloomberg who cancelled the race, but he seems to have escaped being the target of your scathing wit.

    The bloggo-sphere may disappoint and distract, but I am cheered to hear of the Run to Staten Island organized by some 1,000 of the Marathon runners to help NYC residents in one of the worst hit areas.

  6. Alex November 6, 2012 at 3:37 pm #

    Thumbs up to you. I like.


  1. Eatrunswag’s WORST of 2012 « eatrunswag - December 30, 2012

    […] Breaking News: With NYC Marathon Cancellation, all in NY back to Normal […]

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