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Election Day Post: Politician PR’s

6 Nov

I thought of possibly doing another satire piece but there is already going to be enough political arguments going on in everybody’s Facebook feeds today.  So here is a list of the fastest politicians, enjoy!
(NOTE: These are American politicians only)

Paul Ryan (His REAL time): 4:01:25

He may be a liar and kind of a sh1tty person, but he is still a beautiful, beautiful man.

Michele Bachmann- 21:52 5k

She didn’t even train, just ran on pure hate

Rick Perry- Former avid triathlete, 1:42:17 half marathon, 21min 5k

Shorts over tights!! NOOOOO RICK PERRY NOO!!!

Sarah Palin- 3:59:36

Don’t try to outrun this cougar!

Palin gets a high ranking because she ran her sub 4 on frozen ice keeping her eyes on the Russians.

George W. Bush: 3:44:52 Marathon, 5k PR- SUB 20min

GEORGE BUSH HATES SLOW PEOPLE

Michael Dukakis: 3:31:00

He did better in this race than his vice-presidential run

John Edwards: 3:30:18

Presumably he got his mileage in while running to his mistress’s house

Harry Reid: 3:16 at Boston

This mormon leaves Romney in the dust

Max Baucus: 3:01:18

 

Who the hell is Max Baucus?

Gary Johnson: IRONMAN 10hrs39min, CLIMBED MOUNT EVEREST

 

I VOTED FOR YOU ❤

 

Barack Obama: sub 13 5k

Guys, he’s a Kenyan, duh!

Ron Paul: 220yd PR 22.2, 440yd PR 51.2!!!!

State champ in the 1800’s!

 

Jim Ryun: 3:51 mile

Clear winner in this race.

 

Breaking News: With NYC Marathon Cancellation, all in NY back to Normal

4 Nov

Following pressures from bourgeois fat internet bloggers journalists, crossfitters, The NY Post and other media outlets, Mary Wittenberg cancelled this year’s jog through the city most famous for The Beastie Boys, A-Rod, Rudy Giuliani, and the cast of Mob Wives.

The Pride of NY

Wittenberg and Bloomberg handled the cancellation fantastically by giving the athletes word of the cancellation a whopping 2 days before the race.

In the post NYCM cancellation time-span, the city has undergone a miraculous transformation.  As the sun rose above the Big Apple this morning it’s glorious rays didn’t fall on destroyed piers, flooded homes, and powerless homes.  Instead, daybreak displayed a completely healed and repaired metropolis.

With the lack of weirdos wearing grossly short shorts trotting through the city and bringing mayhem to the city with their displays of athleticism and struggle, the empire city was finally able to heal.

NYC before the cancellation

 

NYC this morning due to the NYCM not happening

 

 

A study done by an imaginary person at the New York Post reports that the power generators that the marathon course had planned to use were able to power the entire city.

“The New York Post is definitely the most credible news source!”- Said Nobody, ever.

“Do you know how much energy it costs to keep the marathon clock on for the people with finishing times greater than 4 hours?  Enough to restore power to every project building in the Bronx! Selfish runners should be ashamed of what resources they were keeping for themselves and a silly “PR” or whatever they call it.” reports an internet blogger from Seattle who had spent the previous 48 hours slamming every poster in favor of the marathon online for not donating their life savings to the relief effort.  (When questioned how much he had donated, he offered no reply)

I don’t always criticize people for not donating to relief efforts, but when I do, I make sure I dont donate either

The power generators from the race restoring power to all five boroughs was just the first ingredient to the city’s overnight regeneration.  Without 40,000 Phidippides wannabees crowding the city for 8 or so hours, those left homeless from the storm were able to rebuild their apartment complexes hastily without having annoying runners interrupting their work asking them where the nearest port-a-potties are.

Actual picture of homeless enthusiastically getting to work on their homes this morning

While many proponents for having the marathon run today offered that the race would provide inspiration to many throughout the city, after today’s miraculous display of healing it’s clear that wallowing in the pain and suffering of a natural disaster is the best way to fix problems.  Inspiration is just for those damn hippy liberals.  Widespread anger, finger pointing, resentment, and more complaining than an all day TV marathon of The View injected the spirit that had almost been broken right back into the city.

 

 

IN RELATED NEWS: NYPD reports a spike in mischief committed by Kenyans in the city over the last 48 hours.  After finding out the marathon was cancelled, elite Kenyans spent the night playing the world’s most intense game of Red-Light Green-Light through all of Manhattan.  Afterwards they headed to the bar and caused problems when consuming one single sip of alcohol caused the athletic beings with -24 percent body fat to get instantly frat-bro on saint patty’s day level drunk.  Bouncers commented that at first they were scared of the unruly drunk runners until a breeze came into the bar and they were instantly carried away with it.

 

Also, sightings of Kenyans racing up stairwells in skyscrapers and starting a very efficient pedi-cab service were reported

 

Running in Groups with iPods. STOP THIS MADNESS

21 Sep

After another hiatus, I’m back again!  Here’s a short one until I finish the interview with the Lady Wolverines (coming soon!) Anyways, the thought for this blog came to me the other day.  It was a product of my anger at this atrocity which I witness almost daily building up over years and years.  What is this atrocity I speak of?

GIRLS PEOPLE RUNNING NEXT TO EACH OTHER WHILE WEARING iPODS.

LOL yeah, let’s go running together. BUT DONT YOU DARE SAY A F*^%$@# WORD TO ME.

I have a personal connection to my hatred towards this subject.  It all started many, many years ago.  I believe it was my junior year of high school.  One of the girls on the team, a pretty decent runner at 10:30 something in the 2 mile and low 4:50s in the mile, invited me to get some miles in with her really early in the morning before school.  I said sure, sounds great!  I get to the parking lot ready run at about 6am, and I notice as soon as we’re about to start running she puts headphones on.  WUT.  Then, only a few minutes into the run I tried to start a conversation.  It was like talking to a tree.  A tree with boobs who runs next to you silently.  Every time I tried to say something, she had to pause her iPhone, and take a headphone out.  It was like those awkward newscasts where there is a delay between the question asked and the reporter in some far away area responding.  Also I had to repeat my questions twice every freaking time.

Girl from story above, plus me with braces and shiny Bieber hair.

Now I thought maybe that was a rare occurrence, because surely people usually meet to run because they like having somebody to talk to as they burn off the calories from last night’s dorm food and/or frat party, right?

WRONG.  As soon as I got to college I started seeing, mainly sorority looking girls, doing this EVERY FREAKING DAY.

Guy: “Thank God I don’t have to listen to this lady.”

This concept baffles me.  There have been runs where there is no way in hell I would have finished without having some brothers in suffering next to me.

Picture below is relevant because I’d assume people do this to purposely not have to pay attention to their workout partner.

Women, terrible people. (except for my mother sister and girlfriend)*

It’s like going to the movies with somebody and bringing your laptop so you can watch a different movie on it.

It’s like hanging out with someone else but your friend spends the entire time texting (GIRLS.)

 

If you absolutely need to listen to music to go for a run, you should probably just quit running and see if you can get a prescription for your ADD.

So, please, PUT AN END TO THIS MADNESS.

 

Unless you look like this when you exercise with an iPod. This is ok.

Big Sean likes this.

Rule 40: The “Keep em Poor!” Rule.

29 Jul

It seems that continuing to make the Olympic Sports, especially Track and Field, look like a joke has been the theme of the last few months.  We’ve all followed Symmonds and many of his fellow athletes battles with the IAAF and USATF, but now we’re finally seeing the effect that these fucking stupid unfair advertising rules have on a MUCH larger scale.  A problem of Olympic proportions you might say.

But hey, look on the bright side, it’s not just America screwing it up this time.

Rule 40 (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH RULE 34 of the Internet) was developed by the Olympic Committee to keep the small companies and athletes from profiting help prevent “ambush advertising” as well as helping to preserve the “amateurism” and “integrity” feel of the games.

Rule 34 > Rule 40

First of all if you don’t think the Olympics are a completely commercialized event and really are just about friendly competition and athletic endeavors, wake the hell up.

Not just a game

The rule is set up to make sure the money stays in the hands of the big boys.  Basically, only the major corporations who have spent MILLIONS upon MILLIONS of dollars to be official sponsors of the games, are the only companies with any rights to advertise with the benefit of Olympic association.

Forbes did a really well put-together article here describing some of the odd restrictions these rules have:
http://www.forbes.com/sites/jacquelynsmith/2012/07/24/olympic-hurdles-for-advertisers-the-games-unique-rules-and-restrictions/

The “Chips” ban and the ATM restrictions are my favorites in the article, copied and quoted from Forbes below (I gave you credit Forbes so I’m fairly sure this isn’t plagiarism)

  • All 800 Olympic food retailers are banned from serving chips (French fries) during the Games in Britain—except for McDonald’s. A leaked memo reads, “Due to sponsorship obligations with McDonalds, LOCOG have instructed the catering team they are no longer allowed to serve chips on their own anywhere within the Olympic park. The only loophole to this is if it is served with fish.”
  • ATMs at Olympic venues have been replaced by Visa ATMs, as part of an exclusivity deal. This means that those without Visa cards won’t be able take out cash.

That seems fair, right?  So much for equal opportunities for local businesses.

Proud sponsor of the Olympic Games

The rule also prevents the actual athletes from appearing in advertising during the games.  Ok yeah, this probably will not effect Kobe Bryant, Michael Phelps, or Lebron James at all, but what about the athletes who don’t make sickening amounts of money every year? More specifically the athletes whose biggest most important event is the Olympics and really probably the only real opportunity for the athletes to make a significant amount of money with the worldwide exposure.

I’m gunna take a wild guess and assume Female Olympic Archers don’t make 20mil a year from their sport.  (Photo Cred: Gawker)

In conjunction with athletes not being allowed to appear in non-official sponsor advertising, the athletes are also forbidden from doing any kind of advertising through social media.  If an athlete wanted to send a shoutout to “EatRunSwag” (let’s imagine this blog is a real brand for a second) for helping them make it to the Olympics, this would be forbidden.  (Feel free to thank me if you’d like though, Olympians, especially you Mr. Rupp 😉 )

If Rupp said “Thank you (insert sponsor here)!”, VIOLATION. You’re welcome, though.

How do the athletes feel about this?  Check this good collection of Twitter responses below:
http://twitchy.com/2012/07/29/wedemandchange-many-u-s-olympic-track-and-field-athletes-protest-rule-40/

Leo Manzano is particularly upset because the rule prevents him from doing something as simple as describing how much he likes his spikes. RIDICULOUS, HOW DARE HE!!!??

So if a non-major sponsor wouldn’t be able to use a sponsored athlete in any form of advertisement during the Olympics, why the hell would said sponsor have any reason/desire to sponsor the athlete?  This just sets us even further back in the advertising fiasco.   It’s not as if sponsors were jumping at every chance to sponsor track athletes before this rule, and now they’re pretty much being told that if they did sponsor the athletes, they really wouldn’t be able to profit at all from it and could face punishment should they try to. If I was one of those corporations, I guess I wouldn’t waste my time sponsoring the athletes either.  This keeps the money with the major corporations as well as making sure it also stays out of the athletes hands.

Great job Olympic Committee, way to preserve the spirit of the Olympics.

The unofficial slogan goes: “The most important thing is not to win, but to take part!”, well we know who’s winning, and sadly, it’s not the athletes.

Interviewing Olympians: Emma Coburn

19 Jul

A couple of weeks ago I did a post about how I embarrassed the hell out of myself behind Emma Coburn in 2008.  If you didn’t read, here’s the link:  http://eatrunswag.com/2012/06/19/how-to-creep-out-girls-and-embarrass-yourself-a-re-telling-of-an-unfortunate-event/

Luckily, she thought it was a funny post and allowed me to ask her some interview questions 🙂

So without further adieu, here is my FIRST INTERVIEW WITH AN OLYMPIAN!!

 

 

America’s Sweetheart

If you could choose one place in the world to vacation right now, all expenses paid, where would you go?

Phuket, Thailand! I hear it’s beautiful there and I like hearing other people mispronounce it when they read it.

“Want to go to Thailand?” “Ah, Phuket let’s go”

What’s your favorite movie and why?

Pulp Fiction. I love the multiple story lines and how they all come together. I love the soundtrack. I love the cast. Above my TV in my living room I have a poster of Samuel L Jackson and John Travolta, guns pointed out, about to shoot a fool…. (I don’t even care that it clashes with all the pretty girlie things)

This steepler has a great taste in movies.

Who are some of your favorite athletes?
Aaron Rodgers. My boyfriend Joe is from Wisconsin and made me a Packer fan. I still love my childhood team of the Denver Broncos, but its hard not to love the Packers and Aaron. This tribute video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPdC1ltLWvU) was filmed in Joe’s hometown …it explains why

Maybe not one of my favorite athletes, but one of my favorite mustaches of all time for sure

Do you prefer dogs or cats?

Dogs

Me too. Here’s me with my dog when I was a little tot

What’s your major?
Marketing

This is what you get when you google “Marketing”. Looks fun!

Just so I can get it on record: You forgive me for making a fool out of myself and essentially ruining your NON interview back in 2008? Yes, but its taken 4 years for me to get over that embarrassing moment. (jk)

Me at my finest, scratching my butt, ruining an interview, about to fall

Running Questions:

I’m currently doing a month-long training stint at altitude in Flagstaff, AZ. You went to high school at altitude and live at altitude in college too. Many people have been asking me if training at altitude like I’m doing/you’ve been doing for a long time is worth it. Would you recommend training at altitude to those thinking of trying it? I don’t know if I’m the best person to answer this. I grew up at 9,000 feet so Boulder (at 5,400ft) is like sea level to me. I love it though, I recommend trying it out.

MAGS. Always wanted to try this

What made you want to try the steeple? When I first saw you do it I was a junior in high school at the Great Southwest Meet (where I also ran the steeple). Was that your first taste of the steeple? And have you grown to love it even more since then? I went to the Great Southwest Classic to run an 800 my junior year. We didn’t want to drive all that way to just run 2 laps, but the only other event on a different day was the steeple. So I tried it! I love it now more than ever.

Emma being good at sports. (Photo Cred Mike Scott)

After reading the Runnersworld interview, it sounds like you really have great people/coaches supporting you at Colorado. What made you choose to go to school there, could you tell you’d have that kind of support right away? Every person in my family has gone to CU. I grew up cheering for them and even had a mini CU cheerleading outfit. It was the school I always saw myself at but wasn’t sure if I could be good enough to run there. I looked at other schools, but when Mark called me, I was sold! I’ve always had supportive family and friends, but it was a nice surprise to have that support in the team, coaches and athletic department too.

Running with the Buffaloes

That pic that surfaced of you kissing your boyfriend after the race was pretty adorable. I can’t really think of a faster distance running couple in the NCAA. Is it nice being with somebody who can understand the lifestyle of an elite athlete (him being one too)? Will he be able to make the trip to London?

What you can’t see in that picture is that I am stranding on a 5-foot tall fence. Joe pulled me up! It was a really special moment and I was so happy to get to share it with him. We have been dating since high school and so he has been there from the beginning. He’s seen me go from an 11:30 2-miler in high school to an Olympian…he was there for every step of it. He isn’t an emotional guy but I made him tear up that day! Joe is great because he doesn’t settle for less than his best, and he has passed that trait onto me. He has definitely help make me the best version of myself I can be…on and off the track. And yes, he will be going to London!

Most adorable track picture of the year.

Only a very select few people can answer a question like this, so maybe let us regular people/people still dreaming of this know how it feels: What did it feel like crossing the finish line at the trials knowing you’d be representing the US at the Olympics? For me, it wasn’t a big rush of emotion initially. When I crossed the line, I was really happy obviously, but that race was more business than emotion. I knew what I had to do, and I did it. When I crossed the line, I wasn’t as elated as expected just because I knew I had done my job. But then later, I broke down because I was so happy! Its still weird to think I am an Olympian. Its so surreal!

Olympic Trials Victory SWAG.

After your race, do you plan on trying to see some other non-track events?
I’d love to but I think most events are sold out!

Maybe go see this guy if you can?

Would you like to send any shout-outs or special thanks to anybody?
Shout out to the Coburn fam, Joe and the Bosshard crew!

 

 
Thanks so much for letting me ask you some questions Emma! We can’t wait to see you chase your dreams in London! Best of luck!

EatRunSwag’s Super Trials Recap!

3 Jul

Quick news on shirts: Last night I submitted my bank info to the google checkout store I setup. It’s going to take up to three days to verify my account, then when I submit tax info the store is ready to go!

Anyway, all of us track junkies just got finished watching the Olympic Trials.  It was WAY more dramatic, exciting, disappointing, and controversial than many of us thought it would be.  Favored athletes failing to qualify, drug cheat agent scandals, the Fam debacle, and the women’s 100m dash amateur hour special (in the words of LR) made for an interesting week, to say the least, in the sport of track and field.

Here is my recap, with a hint of humor, and a dose of honesty.  *WARNING- This post contains foul language, humor, and satire, not recommended for the average stuck up runner douche or women who may be pregnant or nursing.

 

WOMENS 100m DASH- Tarmoh gives Felix the friendship bracelet she made for her back.

VICTORY IS MINE, BITCH.

 

We all wondered what would become of the “dead heat” between the two runners who are (were) also great friends and training partners.  I can’t really hate on Felix because when it comes down to it, track is an individual sport, and if an athlete wants as many chances to get a gold medal, that’s what they train for and live for. But dayum, gurl, I would have let her have that spot. You took 3RD in the US trials, focus on the 200m LIKE EVERY ANALYST AND FORMER GREAT has told you to! That’s a cold move. You better medal in both now babe.

 

MENS 100m- Justin Gatlin enjoys benefits of drugs to win US title and Olympic Berth

Fuck. You.

While I am not so naive to really think that a lot of the top athletes aren’t on drugs (while I desperately hope they aren’t), I firmly believe that anybody caught should get a LIFETIME BAN.  Seriously, by letting these people return for their “second” chance we’re pretty much saying, “cheat until you get caught. But if you get caught, you’re going to have to sit out until the next Olympics. Then come back and have fun!”  We aren’t providing enough incentive for people NOT to cheat.

Was also sad to see Walter Dix injured 😥

 

Womens 100m Hurdles-  Lolo Jones pops her London Olympic cherry.

..virgin?

I was going to type something about the race but I forgot while posting that picture. Enjoy

 

MENS 110m HURDLES- JEFF PORTER YEAHHHHH GO BLUE!

Those who dive…

 

Surprise 3rd place finisher Jeff Porter was so ecstatic on qualifying that he pretended there was a slip and slide after the finish line. This guy works his butt off, we see him at our track every day and he deserves this after all the hours he has put in. Go get em, and Go Blue.

Also, David Oliver looked TERRIBLE in becoming one of the most surprising athletes not to qualify .

 

WOMENS 200m DASH- Allyson Felix is way faster than I’ll ever be.

And prettier than I’ll ever be, too

 

MENS 200m DASH- Wallace Spearmon wins, no surprise there.

 

Is it racist if I think he looks like Ice T?

 

WOMENS 400m DASH-  Sanya Richards is scary fast.

I could win this shit with my eyes closed y’all

 

MENS 400m DASH- Jeremy Wariner isn’t very good at sports anymore, and Bryshon Nellum wins the swagged out comeback award 

50 cent got shot 9 times and made some shitty records. I made an Olympic Team. YOLO.

WOMENS 400m HURDLES- Arizona gal is quite a wildcat

She seems to have some swag

 

MENS 400m HURDLES- BATMAN doesn’t RETURN, has a DARK NIGHT (I’m too punny)

Pretty much this happened.

WOMENS 800- Geena Gall represents the Wolverines well, Vessey shits the bed.

Wolverine Swag

 

MENS 800- Jock runs like a high schooler, Duane Solmon makes me tear up, and Nick Symmonds proves that “One Night in Paris” was pretty helpful 

I’m staying in a “Hilton” tonight

 

WOMENS 1500- Boring. No surprises in this one.

Pretty sure she could beat me up. Blindfolded.

 

MENS 1500m- Manzano Hooks Em, Robby Andrews runs like a fool, Matt Mr Steal Yo Girl Centro through, Wheating makes second Oly team

Omg he’s so little and adorable

 

WOMENS 3k STEEPLE- Emma won. I fell behind her once. See two posts before this.

Sorry boys, she’s taken. Also, AWEEEEEEEEEEEE

 

MENS 3k STEEPLE- My team captain made the final, Jager doesn’t bomb and I like his hair, Cabral continues awesome season.

“Rule #1, no touching of the hair or face”

 

WOMENS 5K- Sorry I didn’t watch it I was driving to Flagstaff.

MENS 5k-  This race was “Rupp-Certified”, see previous post.

“Suck it Kenyan!”- Rupp

 

WOMENS 10k- Natosha Rogers proves NCAA title was not a fluke.

Eh hard to cheer for an aggie but I’m a fan.

 

MENS 10k- NBC brings in a British guy who knows his shit, Rupp makes it look easy, Teg and Ritz are back, and I just choked on a chip while typing this

I thought the starting line was the beginning..?

 

MENS DECATHLON- Ashton Eaton is really good at sports.  ESPN shows how f-cking stupid they are.

“You only ranked me 10th???”

Sports center ranked him 10th on the top 10. Behind a fan who caught a ball at a game with his hat. I’m not making this shit up.

Also how awkward was the exchange between Bruce Jenner and Dave O’Brien? Damn.

 

NIKE Proves they own the sport and don’t give a fuck about rules.

Suck it Nike/Hayward Field.

Example 1- http://www.letsrun.com/2012/block-0701.php  Excellent article by the Brojos on LetsRun. This is sure to ruin your day.

Example 2- They kicked out the Brooks dudes for a silly advertisement

Example 3- Alan Fucking Terrible at Running Webb

Example 4- Fam not let in

 

 

Wow that took a lot of time, I’m going to go do something productive now. Hope y’all enjoy this post!

Special Shout-Out to Derek Rubis, the biggest fan in track and field, who I’m sure had a phenomenal time at the trials, you deserve it Derek!

 

 

Dear Galen Rupp: You’re Welcome.

30 Jun

OK, now I know that the post that essentially made my blog well known was this post about Galen that I did shortly after the US champs last summer: http://eatrunswag.com/2011/06/24/the-infamous-galen-rupp/   but now I can safely say that Rupp has redeemed himself (to me at least)

 

Pre-2012 Galen Rupp was pretty ridiculous.  Although he ran some pretty damn impressive times and races, he donned that ridiculous Hannibal Lector mask, effeminately posed on starting lines, and found many of the races in the US to not be “Rupp Certified”

Never Forget.

 

2012 Rupp, however, was a completely different person.  I think “The Boy Who Wouldn’t Grow Up” finally decided to leave Neverland

Good, don’t go back, I like the new you bb

 

And I take full credit for this.

 

Now I know that elite Nike athletes have most likely never heard of my blog as they justifiably have better things to be doing with their time.  But I’m going to assume confidently that Galen read my blog postings about him, was embarrassed, went into a bout of depression, started eating an all raw meat and thyroid medication diet and became a man. 

 

Examples of the transformation below:

From this

 

To this.

 

From this

 

To this (much better.)

 

“Ew, boobs”- Pre 2012 Rupp

 

“Got the hottest chick in the game, wearing my chain”- Post 2012 Rupp. 

And finally, from this

 

to this.

 

Does Rupp have a realistic shot at medaling at the London Olympics? Maybe. We’ll see.  But I’ll be rooting for him.

 

Some quick stuff:

First- Please click this web site and vote, it takes all of 5 seconds, for “Run CB”, a running store in Crested Butte, CO, to get a huge grant!  Click the link, login w/fbook, search “Run CB” and just click vote.

https://www.missionsmallbusiness.com/

 

Second- I’m going to do a big trials recap when it is over, that comes in the next post!

 

Third- I’m now in Flagstaff for about 6 weeks to finally become good at running.  Did my first fartlek at altitude here at Buffalo Park this morning. It was a bitch and a half.

 

Fourth- Now that I’m finally somewhere for a longer period of time, I shall get T SHIRTS UP ON MONDAY FOR SURE 😀