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WE deserve it, do YOU?

20 Feb

(Important note for this post- This is written from a collegiate runners POV, but many of my experiences are the same for athletes in all of the other collegiate sports.  I’m not looking for a pat on the back for describing my schedule/stresses, I can do that myself.)
(Important note number 2: Anytime I write a potentially offensive post, I get a pretty sizable amount of hate mail/bashing comments.  Y’all, read some of my posts. Take things with a grain of salt, relax, and enjoy these for their mix of humor and truth.)

You know something has to get me pretty worked up to bring my blogging self back from the dead.  I was just peacefully scrolling through my Twitter Feed while sitting on the toilet before my night run when I saw this “article” retweeted by an Illinois athlete.

Take a minute to calm down before you read this post.  Maybe go for a run, take a hot shower.

Ok, do you have yourself collected?  Good.  Let’s destroy this horrible human being’s argument.

Before we even get to taking apart how poorly written, biased, unsupported, and stupid this article was, let’s start by looking at a picture of the gal who wrote the piece (it’s not creepy, her picture is in the article)

The symbol of America's oppressed college student, a pretty white female.

The symbol of America’s oppressed college student: a pretty white female.

Also, this was posted in the comments section on your article, but looking at your room really makes me feel for you.  Life looks pretty damn tough 😦  YOU’RE AN RA, YOU DON’T EVEN PAY FOR HOUSING YOU IDIOT.

Next, let me give you a few tips on journalism, dear.  I know it’s an opinion piece, but tip number one:
Don’t discredit your authority in the first few paragraphs of your article.

“I never finished the mile run. I always dropped out around a third of the way to puke or pass out — whichever came first”

LOL. Wait, WHAT??  You can’t run 533ish meters without puking or passing out?  You expect anybody to take you seriously after opening with something like that?  I sure hope you’re exaggerating and this claim isn’t true.  I guess I wouldn’t expect a cardio system to be very efficient in somebody who is so cold-hearted.  I know 200+ pound non-athletes that can run longer than that.  I know people without the bottom half of their legs that can run much further than that, except they use their talent to murder their girlfriends, unfortunately (too soon, I know.)

THIS guy is fitter than you. Hit the gym, girl.

THIS guy is fitter than you. Hit the gym, girl.

“This occurred to me as I noticed my one friend take out her student athlete class planner. I front a small fee for an iBook. Her student athlete school supplies are free.”

A.) You only have one friend?

B.)  I’ve been informed by people at your own school that iBooks can be obtained for free at the Illini Union Bookstore.  Are you paying just so you can get more people to listen to you whine?

C.) Yes, some of us at our respective Universities get free planners.  PLANNERS.  I have never received free pencils, books, pens, papers, notebooks etc. etc.  Maybe your school has a special deal with Staples, or maybe you’re just making another unsupported claim.

Student-Athlete Planners, the number one coveted athletic benefit by muggles nationwide

Student-Athlete Planners, the number one coveted athletic benefit by muggles nationwide

“Not only do they get blue and orange gear free of charge, which includes those trademark Nike tracksuits and backpacks, but student athletes are also privy to tutoring services that the rest of us standard, non-athletic-scholarship students have to go out of our way for or otherwise not have. But I wonder how many of those athletes would be doing so well if they were just plain, non-athlete students?”

Give me your address, I’m being serious.  I will gladly mail you some of my gear for free (as long as it’s not an NCAA violation to do so).  Also, I haven’t met with a tutor since my freshman year in the Fall of 2009.  But say I did need to use a tutor, let’s just examine how “unfair” this is that I could see one for “free”.

Please, dear, tell me how rough your schedule must be.  Tell me how hard studying must be with all of your free time.  Do you have the slightest clue what it means to have the schedule of a student-athlete?  Do you think we can have the same class schedule as you?  Think we can start classes at noon and go until 5pm instead of 8am to 1pm?  Here is a quick look at my schedule.  With this schedule, the best I could work it out since these are required classes for my major, I have to miss practice THREE out of the FIVE schooldays every week (Regular practice is at 2:30pm, I can only attend M/W).

Monday (MY EASY DAY):
8:00am-9:00am- Morning run (6-10 miles)
9:00am-9:30am- Stretch, roll out, rehab, ice bath
9:30am-10:00am- Shower, get dressed, maybe get coffee/eat, take the bus to campus
10:00am-12:00pm- African American Studies 490
12:00pm-2:00pm- Eat lunch, get homework started, make my way to training room.
2:30pm-5:00pm- Practice (10-16miles depending on workout) (Note to NCAA- don’t total up these hours because they aren’t all observed)
5:30pm-6:30pm- Shower and eat
6:30pm-10pm- Homework (once again, remember this is my EASY day)

5:30am-6:00am- 3-4mi jog in the dark, usually below 15 degrees
6:00am-6:40am- Eat breakfast, get dressed for Student-Teaching
6:40am-7:20am- Pick up carpooling classmates and drive to Saline High (20min away)
7:30am-11:29am- Student-Teaching with 10th-12th grade English Students
11:29-12:00pm- Get back to campus and drop off classmates at their houses.
12:00pm-1:00pm- Drop car off at track, get on bus to campus, eat lunch, get to North Quad basement for class
1:00pm-2:30pm- Writing 300 (Peer Tutoring for Education Majors)
2:30pm-4:00pm- Ed 391 (Educational Psychology)
4:00pm-6:00pm- Ed 307 (Education Practicum)
6:00pm-6:30pm- Take bus to the track, get changed, and get ready to run by myself for the second time of the day.
6:30pm-7:30/8:oopm- 10-14 mi depending on workout
8:00pm-8:45pm- Shower and eat
8:45pm-10:00pm- Homework (even though I’m usually completely spent by this time)

Wednesday (My “Easy” day again):

8:00am-9:00am- Morning run (6-10 miles)
9:00am-9:30am- Stretch, roll out, rehab, ice bath
9:30am-10:00am- Shower, get dressed, maybe get coffee/eat, take the bus to campus
10:00am-12:00pm- African American Studies 490
12:00pm-2:00pm- Eat lunch, get homework started, make my way to training room.
2:30pm-5:00pm- Practice (10-16miles depending on workout)
5:30pm-6:30pm- Shower and eat
6:30pm-10pm- Homework (once again, remember this is my EASY day)

6:00am-6:40am- Eat breakfast, get dressed for Student-Teaching
6:40am-7:20am- Pick up carpooling classmates and drive to Saline High (20min away)
7:30am-11:29am- Student-Teaching with 10th-12th grade English Students
11:29-12:00pm- Get back to campus and drop off classmates at their houses.
12:00pm-1:00pm- Drop car off at track, get on bus to campus, eat lunch, get to North Quad basement for class
1:00pm-2:30pm- Writing 300 (Peer Tutoring for Education Majors)
2:30pm-4:00pm- Ed 391 (Educational Psychology)
4:00pm-4:30pm- Take bus to track, get ready to run alone.
4:30pm-6:00pm- 12-16 miles
6:00pm-6:30pm- Shower, get dressed, get home
6:30pm-7:00pm- Cook and eat dinner
7:00pm-9:00pm- Hmwk
9:00pm-10/11pm- Spend time with girlfriend, my cherished free time I’ve made for myself.

9:00am-10:00am-5-8mi depending on what I plan on getting out of afternoon run
10:30am-1:00pm- My best time span for doing homework during the week.
1:00pm-4:00pm- Education 440 (Teaching English, Methods Course)
4:00pm-4:30pm- Get to track, get ready to run
4:30pm-5:30/6pm- 10-12mi depending on total for the day/week

“Easy Day” if there is no meet, generally run 5-10mi and do work the rest of the day.
If there is a meet, I would have travelled one to two days beforehand and would be at a track for 6 or more hours on this day.

Sunday (LONG RUN.)
10:00am-12/12:20pm- 20-23 miles to cap off a 100-120mi week. (in the fall we drive 20-30min out to the run, adding to the time this takes.  In the winter, this run is done in the snowstorms outside while you are lying down comfortably in your bed recovering from your frat party date rape drug hangover.)
Rest of day- fighting off post long run exhaustion sleep to do my very heavy homework load.

Sorry for the runners that had to read that, I permit you to just skip over that because it’s not anything new to you.  But Miss Renee, does that seem like a fair trade for some “free” sweatpants, shoes, and gear that isn’t given to us for the hell of it but instead so we don’t freeze to death while we are running in snow storms?

Ever had to repeatedly pull ice off of your eyelids for an hour so you can see during your run?

Ever had to repeatedly pull ice off of your eyelids for an hour so you can see during your run?


I’m actually LUCKY with my schedule, my coach allows me to miss practice for these classes. The majority of athletes have from 8am-2pm to sneak in ALL of their classes.  Friday classes, you can forget about that. I have to miss 1/4 of my Friday classes this semester and my professor already told me “it’s going to be very hard for you to pass” (to which I replied, in my mind, “Game On.”)  And for each time I have to miss class to go to a meet, do you think my professor gives me extra time to study for tests, to hand in homework later? NO. The OPPOSITE, actually.  Professors don’t bend over backwards for us, and actually many times you probably have the advantage in winning your professor’s approval over us.  We have to turn in our work EARLY more often than not, and have you ever taken a test while at a hotel with your athletic trainer sitting next to you in a room making sure you have no extra resources that aren’t allowed and that you get exactly the amount of time that the instructor has provided you with?  Let me tell you how awkward that is and just how “fun” and “easy” it is to focus when you’re taking a test in an eerily quiet hotel room the day before a major race.  No late night cramming the day before either, because you need your rest to run fast.

As for your comment about what if we were regular students- I think I would have a 4.0.  In fact, I have little doubt that I would.  I would literally have 20 or more hours given back to me every week and an unmeasurable amount of energy restored to my body and mind allowing me to perfect my studies.  In fact, with your schedule you have no excuse not to get the highest grade possible.  But that’s just me.  I have so many teammates, with schedules similar to or worse than mine, who very rarely if ever use tutors and maintain GPAs between 3 and 4.0 in difficult majors like Engineering and Pre-Med.  But yeah, they don’t deserve those grades because from time to time they see a tutor and they can show up to the tutor in a pair of sweats the university provided for them, right?

Oh, in case you were wondering, my GPA is above 3.0.  I have been a part of 8 Academic All-Big 10 Teams and have received several accolades for my academics.  What’s yours, hot shot?

By the way, what do you do on weekends?  Go out? Get drunk? Sleep in?  Howabout St Patty’s Day, Football Pre-games, “Thirsty Thursday”, Halloween, Your Birthday? Your friend’s Birthday?  Because WE don’t do that.  I can’t speak for every collegiate athlete on this, obviously, but since you made grossly over-generalized statements you’ve set the rules for this game, babe.  You know what a crazy Friday night is for me?  When I stay up past 11pm.  St Patty’s Day? I believe I did a 21mi run last year on that day and then spent most of the day sleeping the run off. Yeah, it can be a boring life, but there’s a thing called discipline you might not have ever heard of.

Muggle spring break.

Typical regular student spring break.

Actual picture from Ann Arbor Spring Break 2011

Actual picture from my Ann Arbor Spring Break 2011. Not allowed to leave campus, studying for exams as it snowed heavily outside.

 It would take me 18 years to discover coordination, stamina or anything that vaguely resembled athleticism. And it’s too bad, really — had I hit my fitness stride just a few years earlier, maybe I could be getting more out of this University. Because that is exactly what student athletes do.

This is the dumbest thing I’ve read all year, congratulations!  You think ANYBODY can do what we do?  You think I just happened to run one day and automatically was good enough to run for a Division 1 institution? This is a slap in the face to every one of us who have worked our ASSES off to get the incredible opportunity to MAYBE, just MAYBE, compete for a university should all of our hard work come to fruition.  If this was something everybody or anybody could do, EVERYBODY would be doing it. So shut your mouth, lady, because I’ve been running since I was 7 years old so I could have an opportunity like this.  My parents lived in a trailer park when I was born and although we’ve achieved middle class through my dad’s service to our country and my mom’s 20 years of teaching, I still don’t receive any aid in tuition from my parents.  I, like regular students, have over 50 thousand dollars in loans I will have to try and pay off some day.

“It’s no secret that it pays to play. Sports generate money, and every state in the Union knows Illinois is basically broke. But not everyone knows just how much is spent on sports and the student athletes who play them. Athletes at nearly all American colleges and universities get some sort of specialized physical, nutritional, psychological and academic accommodations. I understand the priority put on food, workouts and mental health, and there are services at the University that are of little to no cost that us mere-mortal, sport-challenged folk can go to for our own lifestyle concerns. But academically, student athletes here are blatantly getting a leg up on the competition.

At the Irwin Academic Center, student athletes have to log mandatory hours in either the study rooms or computer labs reserved specifically for them. It is the Salt Lake Temple of our supposedly “Inclusive Illinois” — these tutoring services and study spaces are for members only. Tell me again what’s wrong with the UGL? Or any of the other 20-some area studies libraries on campus? Several of my friends who happen to be student athletes are both highly intelligent and motivated — do they really need this service? Illinois athletics boasts that Irwin is “offering the very best in academic services to Illinois student-athletes.” So what does that leave for the rest of us? Are we not “striving for excellence” as well? If a non-student athlete had issues passing a class, few professors, instructors or TAs would take the initiative to seek me out for extra help. (I say few because I have had the privilege to meet some outstandingly passionate and dedicated educators who will all but bleed for their students to succeed, but I digress.) 

If a student athlete’s grades start to suffer, Illinois has it covered.  “

Sports are part of the reason institutions like yours can keep putting up new buildings on campus.  Whether you agree with it or not, sports are an incredibly important institution on big campuses.  Especially in the Big 10.

Another way we can tell you know nothing about our experience.  Do you know how much “mandatory study hours” SUCK?  I dare you to find a single athlete that likes those.  Being forced to study somewhere where the student may not even be comfortable studying? Those are the bane of our existence.  If you did your research, you’d know they usually only exist for struggling upperclassmen or freshmen.

Scumbag Renee.

Scumbag Renee.

” If a non-student athlete had issues passing a class, few professors, instructors or TAs would take the initiative to seek me out for extra help”
This line is pure bullshit.  Office Hours are available to ALL students and neither student-athlete nor n0n-athlete get any more hours than the other.  To be fair though, I wouldn’t seek you out either, because you seem like a shitty person.  But that’s just, like, my opinion, man.
” Of course every student athlete on this campus will have his or her own experiences with the system. I don’t blame anyone for trying to get the most out of a college education —”

Wait. You just discredited your whole argument.

Girl you are so dumb, furrrreaall

Girl you are so dumb, furrrreaall

“Is being just a student no longer enough? This argument was made long before my epiphany.”

This was your brilliant epiphany? Dayummm girl, with genius moments like this your next step is probably finding the cure for cancer!

Your Illinois education impresses me.

Your Illinois education impresses me.

 “Besides the money, the memories and the merchandise, the association says that student athletes are more likely to live longer due to healthier lifestyles developed through forced fitness. “



Leadership skills and discipline are almost a given on any team, but become a college athlete and you get to write those skills on your resume with the stamp of Illini approval.

Ok, f-ck you.  It’s getting really hard to remain civil.  LEADERSHIP SKILLS AND DISCIPLINE ARE NEVER a “given”.  Those are skills have to be LEARNED.  Just being an athlete doesn’t make one a good leader or disciplined, and there are plenty of things you can do for your resume that require LESS time than being an athlete that will be just as useful on your resume.  Btw, do you even know how hard it is to survive 4-5 years on a collegiate athletic team?  Do you think everybody gets to put this on their resume?  My recruiting class originally had 5 distance runners, there’s only 2 of us left.  The class below me has lost more than half of its original class due to poor grades, cuts, dropping out, and quitting.

I can run several miles today. But the time for scholarships and color-coordinated perks are behind me — so what’s the point? I’ll buy my own planner.

Once again proving you HAVE NO IDEA what we do. We don’t go out there and jog several miles.  It’s a f-cking lifestyle.  It’s a job. Work hours are 24/7, and guess what we’re not getting paid for this job.

So yeah, maybe we get a few things you don’t.  I’m sorry you have to buy your own damn planner.  We work too damn hard to put up with you and your high horse you ride on.  The truth, which you are terrified to admit, is that WE DESERVE THIS. 

Do you?


Eatrunswag’s WORST of 2012

30 Dec

Worst of 2012:

WHAT A YEAR- right?? The Olympics delivered, the NCAA saw the birth of a new mileage hog superstar, and we learned track girls like to get dirty too (well any of us on college teams already knew this). But for every good thing that happened in the sport this year, about 5 bad things happened. While performance-wise it was a great year, the political and media side of the sport continually dropped the ball, or, for puns sake, the baton.

So without further adieu, I present to you the eatrunswag list of the biggest fails of 2012 in no particular order.

(FYI- I just typed this in a McDonalds in Amarillo, Texas. Still 5 hours more to drive today. #DEDICATION )

NYC marathon handling:
No disrespect to anybody effected by Sandy, much love. But holy hell, the handling of the NYC marathon was a total sh-tshow. Regardless of what side you were on, I think we can all agree that the non running American public watched in amusement as directors and officials decided what to do at the last minute. I did enjoy hearing, however, stories of some of the world’s best marathoners getting absolutely blasted upon hearing about the cancellation and showing up to the press meeting the following day very hungover. Ask your local elite marathoner for specifics.
(My 2012 post about it:

The perfect storm of idiocy

The perfect storm of idiocy

Doping road racer-
Because we seemed to enjoy making our sport even more of a joke to the public eye this year, one of the few running related stories to make it to mainstream media (NY Times: ) was the story about Christian Hesch using PEDs to win road races. Here’s to hoping this scumbag never wins another fun run again.

I don't always dope. But when I do, I make sure I do ridiculous things like pushups before the finish line to show people how much of a douche I am

I don’t always dope. But when I do, I make sure I do ridiculous things like pushups before the finish line to show people how much of a douche I am

Lance Armstrong-
Dude, rough finish to this year.. Now I don’t really care about you being a cheater, because I assumed you were doping anyway, and I assume anybody in the top 50 is juicing. You were still probably the best since everybody else was on the same stuff, but you probably should just stop lying. Enjoy being very broke soon I guess..

2013 is going to suck more than a Ryan Reynolds movie :'(

2013 is going to suck more than a Ryan Reynolds movie 😥

With the current ‘fiscal cliff’ nonsense going on due to the apparent inability of our lovely government to be able to focus on the needs of the American people, it’s fitting that one of the BIGGEST FAILS of the year was USATF and their sketchy ass way of keeping American track and field athletes poor. Big ups to Nick Symmonds for actually being useful for something other than slamming beers, babes, and 800m races. I sure hope the next USATF president knows what they’re doing. I also hope he/she will let all this trash talking I’ve done towards the USATF slide should I eventually become good and want to run in a respectable meet ❤
(My post on Rule 40: )

Hey gurl, I know you're busy screwing up our sport, but I just wanna make a few bucks. I believe in you <3

Hey gurl, I know you’re busy screwing up our sport, but I just wanna make a few bucks. I believe in you ❤

Ok call me a douche but I just don’t think it’s at all impressive when AN AMERICAN RECORD HOLDER makes a ‘comeback’ by running VERY mediocre college times. It makes for some entertaining letsrun comments and sure makes my job easier though. ALAN- STOP being a head case, you are a good runner. I actually do have faith you have some good races in you yet.

If we could even just get this Webb back in 2013...

If we could even just get this Webb back in 2013…

Message board posters and blog commenters –
First- some of the commenters on my blog. Jesus Christ. For the 100th time, this blog is in existence for the sole purpose of adding some fun criticism into this sport. I was tired of how boring running blogs were. (I’m sorry but I’d rather re-read the Scarlett Letter than read a daily inspirational running blog. That stuff is similar to the mundaneness of Christian worship music in my book). Every time I poke fun at some elite runner I get hoards of middle aged hobby joggers calling me full of myself and an a-hole.
Second- letsrun posters, re-read this post: I definitely LOVE letsrun, don’t get me wrong, the front page is fantastic. But the message board can frequently get SUPER racist. Damn y’all. It’s 2012.
(Post on this from 2012- )



You let that sketchy ass agent Block into your tent at the trials despite him supposed to have been serving a ban from the sport for BEING A CHEATER ( ). Also, kicking out the Brooks guys. We understand you make good product but do y’all have to be such dicks about it?



Sub 2 marathon dude, training with weights.-
Nice article written by my skinny dipping partner Ryan Sterner on Flotrack on this guy:

His 24min lunging mile world record, however, is quite impressive.

His 24min lunging mile world record, however, is quite impressive.

Geared up runners-
This post: . You hobby joggers never fail to make me hate this sport.



Ashton Eaton ESPN-
Ok I don’t have to preach to the choir here, I’m sure all of you are in agreement that Ashton Eaton’s world record and Olympuc victory were some of the greatest performances in the history of sports. But ESPN rated some kid catching a baseball in his hat higher than his performance.. Although I guess we shouldn’t take to much stock in a program that allows Lou “Lispy” Holtz and Steven “I know his mother” Smith to be official representatives for football and basketball.

ONLY 10th!!!???

ONLY 10th!!!???

Paul Ryan marathon lie-
Lying about your marathon time as a politician is as ridiculous as lying about your marathon time as politician. Who cares, why would you lie about such a trivial thing? Oh well, gotta give the repubs credit for being 2 for 2 on running sexy Vice Presidential candidates. Here’s my politician PR post from 2012:

I know how you're so fit, because you've been running through my mind all day

I know how you’re so fit, because you’ve been running through my mind all day

To be fair, the big guy probably tops a ‘best of’ list if I was to make one as nearly every athlete who won an event in London was only able to do so because he let them (read this fellow wolverine’s post, SPOT ON: )) but for every athlete that didn’t win.. Well, it was part of his plan. And his plan for you just isn’t as fun as Usain Bolt’s, sorry bout it!

I was gunna make humans run sub 2 hours in the marathon..but then I got  too busy with my creation of AIDS and what not

I was gunna make humans run sub 2 hours in the marathon..but then I got too busy with my creation of AIDS and what not lol sorry my bad!

Very inconsistent, disappears for long stretches of time, picks on famous runners, isn’t that good of a runner, etc. sorry, maybe ill be better this new year.

Stashie's for Nashies went well this year.

Are you not entertained?

Christmas Carols: EatRunSwag style.

25 Dec

Merry Christmas (Eve) y’all.  While in the Christmas spirit I decided to rip off write a few Christmas carols for the rare ERS blog post.  I’ll have some more up tomorrow, probably one revolving around our girl Suzy Favors for everybody Hamilton, and the like.

Look for the Best of/Worst of 2012 lists to come soon!

PS- if you wanna give me an xmas present, snapchat me at eatrunswag , I’m a snapchat fiend.

The Adidas Cadence just don't compare :( (Shoutout to whoever I stole this picture from.)

The Adidas Cadence just don’t compare 😦 (Shoutout to whoever I stole this picture from, Bailey.)

O Victories

O Victories! O Victories!
Thy Flywire is so amazing;
O Victories! O Victories!
Thy Flywire is so amazing;
Not only good for the 15,
But also good for sub 14.
O Victories! O Victories!
Thy Flywire is so amazing!

O Victories! O Victories!
Much pleasure thou can’st give me;
O Victories! O Victories!
Much pleasure thou can’st give me;
But unfortunately,
My school is not Nike,
O victories! O Victories!
Much pleasure thou cannot give me 😦

O victories! O Victories!
Sometimes I wish we were Nike.
Oh victories oh victories,
Sometimes I wish we were Nike.
I love Adidas trainers and shirts,
But hate their shorts that look like miniskirts,
Oh victories oh victories,
No spike can compare to thee.

WARNING: This next song is tasteless, offensive, and the typical satirical thing you’d find on this site. All you adults, Oregon fans, pre’s family members, and my typical hate mail senders should just skip this one.
This is wrong.. Wrong that I don't have photoshop and couldn't put a grandma in this pic :'(

This is wrong.. Wrong that I don’t have photoshop and couldn’t put a grandma in this pic 😥

Grandma Got Run Over By A Runner

Grandma got run over by a runner
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Pre’s ghost
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

She’d been drinkin’ too much ‘egg nog’
And we’d begged her not to go
But she said the roads would be clear,
And stumbled out the door into the snow.

When they found her Christmas mornin’
At the scene of the crash,
There were Nike swooshes on her forehead
And incriminatin’ Green O’s on her back

Grandma got run over by a runner,
Drunk driving a gold MG Christmas eve,
You can say there’s no such thing as pre’s ghost,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

Now were all so proud of Grandpa
He’s been takin’ this so wonderfully,
See him in there watchin’ Bekele’s 5k,
Drinkin’ beer and playin’ cards with Kara G.

Grandma got run over by a runner
Who mowed her down with his car on Christmas eve,
You can say there’s no such thing as Pre’s ghost.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

I’ve warned all my friends and fellow runners,
Better watch out for your lives,
They should never give a license
To a man who drinks and drives.

Grandma got run over by a runner
Driving home from a party on Christmas eve,
You can say there’s no such thing as Pre’s ghost,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!

I wouldn't touch you with a 16foot pole vault pole!

I wouldn’t touch you with a 16foot pole vault pole!

Mrs Usatf ( you grinch!)

You’re a mean one, Mrs. USATF,
You really don’t treat your athletes right!
You take all of their profits,
So their wins are always really losses,
You’re a greasy slimy organization,
With plenty of misinformation,
You’re a monster, Mrs. USATF!

Christmas- Rupp Certified

Christmas- Rupp Certified

Ruppdolph the Face Masked Runner

RUPP-dolph the face masked runner,
Had a really sensitive nose,
And if you ever saw his skin tone,
You would even say it glows,

All of the other runners,
Used to laugh and call him names (like Peter Pan!)
They never let him join them,
In all the other runner games (like the beer mile)

Then one foggy August eve,
Salazar came to say,
Ruppdolf with your tactics so right,
Won’t you guide my Mo tonight,

Then how the runners loved him,
Even yours truly,
Ruppdolph the face masked runner,
Your 10k will go down in history.

Keep dreaming

Keep dreaming

A White Christmas Dream for Cam Levins (Give me a day off!)

I’m dreaming of a day off this Christmas,
My last day off was years ago,
30 miles run yesterday,
Calf muscles in constant pain,
Doubles and triples in the snow.

I’m dreaming of a day off on Christmas,
With every mile that I run,
May your days be merry and bright,
While you’re opening presents ill be trudging through the white

I’m dreaming of a day off this Christmas
190 miles a week is getting old,
May your days be merry and bright
While Im out here training in the cold 😦
Merry Christmas (Eve) !!

Ian Stewart and Stephanie Hightower: The most hated couple in Track and Field.

17 Jul

(I’m not sure how “slander” lawsuits work, so I think it’s necessary to point out any quotes in this post aren’t real)

Unless you’ve been without internet for the last week, undoubtably you’ve heard of the fiasco that occurred at the London Diamond League meeting this past weekend.

(Ironically none of the athletes can afford a diamond..)

In case you haven’t heard yet, both Lolo “Virgin Mary” Jones and Nick “One Night In Paris” Symmonds were barred from competing in the meet. The athletes were barred and told by meet director Ian “Suck-ass” Stewart that they were “a liability” and would not be allowed to participate in meets that he directed.
Wait, what?

Two Olympians and two of the most famous track and field athletes IN THE WORLD were too much of a liability to appear at a meet?
LOLO JONES a liability? The girl that won’t round past 3rd base? Afraid she’d give too many athletes/fans blue balls?

Blue. Balls.

Nick Symmonds a liability? Having an American try and chase good times and make a race intresting is too dangerous? Afraid he’d whip it out and slay Paris Hilton after the finish line?

A liability for being too…adorable?

In reality these athletes were not allowed to compete because of their views on how their advertising and sponsorship rights.

(Read this awesome blog on the situation:    )

See Lolo and Nick have this “BATSHIT CRAZY” idea that they should be able to make at least as much money as an elementary school teacher. Ha, Greedy Bastards right???

As the article I posted states, 50 percent of the top American Track and Field athletes make more than 15,000 a year from the sport. Did you hear about that high schooler that was busted for a marijuana dealing ring in Ohio a few days ago? He was making 20 GRAND A MONTH. Or howabout Drew Brees signing a ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLAR five year contract this past weekend?

And Stewart is worried about these athletes making a few extra bucks with a Red Bull logo on their headband or a temporary tattoo on their shoulder?

He even looks like an asshole.

Now as if having one sport ruining meet official wasn’t bad enough, the man just happens to be married to the head dictator at USATF, Stephanie Hightower.

Stephanie was having mood problems due to “that time of the month” at the USATF Convention back in December and allegedly she threatened to castrate any athlete who dare to defy her shitty rules.

“Let them eat cake”- Stephanie Hightower

After doing minimal research, I’ve found out why Stephanie is such a terrible person. She’s a buckeye.  Figures.

I just threw up in my mouth.

Ian Stewart and Stephanie Hightower have become the most evil couple in sports.  I would call them the Bonnie and Clyde of Track, but Bonnie and Clyde actually had some style/swag.

Like Clyde, it seems Stewart is also whipped.

They are as out of touch with the US athletes as Mitt Romney is with the average American.

I’ve been honestly trying to comprehend why the two would be such dicks about the situation.  I mean, they’re head officials in track and field.  I love our sport to death, but damn these two have egos like they were head NFL/NBA mangers/officials.  Let’s be real, you’re not ever going to make 10 million a year being a major official/president in track, so give up this head trip or continue to ruin the image of track and field in the US.


Next post on Thursday is a much happier interview with Olympian Emma Coburn!

PS- There are only about 8 t-shirts left on the webstore!! Link in the post below or the link on the right!

EatRunSwag Shirts Available! Very limited!

9 Jul

The shirts are finally ready to be sold! I struggled for 10+ hours but I think everything is good now.



That is the shirt design. They are extremely limited, less than 35 left at the moment!    is the site!

A Sad Day for USA Track and Field. #LetFamRun

22 Jun

On my bike ride this morning I thought up a hilarious post regarding Alan Webb’s recent admission into the 5k at the Olympic Trials.  The original idea for the post was going to be about a bunch of past time all-time greats signing up and getting admitted.

I was going to have funny quips like “Bruce Jenner’s appeal granted, Jenner to compete in Decathlon” and “Billy Mills lacing up for the 10k, is he a darkhorse?”


Can he take on Hardee?

But then shortly after I got home I heard about this Fam bullshit.


Now let’s get this out of the way first:  If they denied Fam but also Webb to send the message that rules are rules and standards are standards and you must have them, ok. I could live with that, Fam had ample opportunities to run sub 8:30.

When you let Webb into the 5k, however, you are opening a flood gate, and you must be ready to deal with this in a manner that is fair and treats all the other athletes equally.


Is that what USATF did?


Now I wonder why this happened… Why Webb got in and Fam didn’t…

Oh I know:


Maybe this picture makes Nike look a little too good..


Today, USATF showed that pleasing Nike is more important than pleasing the fans and the athletes. 
Today, track and field in the USA took another step backward.



This is just a short post, I will be posting throughout the trials with hopefully more pleasant and funny topics. 

Life Through The Eyes of a LetsRun Message Board Poster

17 May

Another hiatus from posting, whoops.  Conference was ehh.  Hoping for a nice steeple showing at Regionals.  Props to my teammate for running 8:28 for the steeple, some impressive running and well deserved!

Shirts came in just 3 days ago due to shitty shipping from the t-shirt company I ordered from (3 weeks late!), more on how to get those soon!

Before I get onto the post, I’d like to admit this: Webb may be making me eat my words soon.  I’d like to take all the credit for this, I’d like to imagine he read my post and got inspired.  You’re welcome, Webb <3.

On to the post topic: The people who post on the message board on LetsRun

I’d like to preface this post by stating that I love the website and that it’s incredibly useful in finding meet results and reading about meet previews.  This isn’t a direct slam article directed at LetsRun. Rather this goes out to the idiots that post in the message board forums, which is about 98.4% of the people that post there.  

So I bring you this post, I decided to spend some time looking at life through the eyes of a LetsRun commenter and evaluate recent running events.



“Shaking hands with a pro, ban him from collegiate running”

My Normal Reaction: Awesome, that dude is great.  Can’t wait to see him tear it up at nationals and then as a longhorn next year!
My LetsRun Reaction:  Gay.  Not even a real collegiate American record.  The people from the 60’s and 70’s are way better than this tool.  Centrowitz. Oregon. Wasn’t in a championship race.

Event- High Schooler runs 4:05 at dual meet!

He’s too far ahead for this run to be a record of any sort.

My Normal Reaction: That’s awesome, good for this kid!  Hope to see this kid run some great times at nats and develop in college!

My LetsRun Reaction:  There weren’t cones on the turns.   He had a pacer, therefore this is not impressive at all.  Only races without pacers or pros should be national records.  Every current distance record is cheap and cheating, guys from “my generation” back in the day deserve it.  He wouldn’t have broken the record without his excited teammates running a few steps on the infield as he finished.  His teammate should never be allowed to run again since he paced him, it doesn’t make sense to run a race and not run completely all out.  I’m a self-righteous s*** eating douchebag who is insatiable.  I have a flagpole stuck up my butt.

Event- Coach at a University is Replaced by Another Coach

“iPhones are for damn Obama loving liberals.”

My Normal Reaction:  Maybe there was a need for a change.  I wish the new coach the best of luck, it’s never easy taking over a program, success isn’t always instantaneous.  I really don’t know anything about the situation at this other school whose program I am not a part of so I shouldn’t judge and should keep my opinions to myself!

 My LetsRun Reaction:  I went to the school many many years ago and I had a different coach and nobody could ever be better than him so obviously it is my duty to trash this new guy on the message boards!  Mature adults like myself can really help out the school that I graduated from by trashing it and their program online! Yes, that makes sense! I will make outlandish claims stating inevitable failure because change is always bad, like women’s suffrage, the automobile, electricity and the end of slavery!

Rojo’s perfect letter about this:

Dear Alum of school with a famous long serving coach,

We know you loved your coach. He (or she) was an institution at your university but is now gone.

Change is sometimes hard to accept but please don’t rip the new coach until at least year 3, preferably year 4, maybe even year 5. Distance running isn’t football and generally freshmen don’t do a whole lot. So unless you want the new guy or girl to go for the quick foreign fix – it’s going to take some time to get things going as you are going to need some new recruits to get to be juniors/seniors before anyone is judged and that is at least 3-4 years out depending on the time of the hire. And it may take a year or two for the new coach to figure out how to recruit to the school so that will add on another year.

One thing to remember. Normally, the old coach was just that – old – and didn’t recruit too hard on his way out so they cupboard was left bare.

Be patient and keep the alumni donations flowing,

The Community

Speaking of slavery, there has been a disgusting amount of racism and homophobia on the boards recently too.   Move to North Carolina, marry your cousin, and stop polluting the boards.

Come on, dudes.  I make fun of runners/running here all in jest, it’s satire.  But the trash found on the message boards lately is just depressing.  I almost prefer Tebow fans for their praise and belief in their favorite player over you insatiable scumbags.  Now I’m usually against the whole theory of people who have run fast have more authority in message boards, but seriously I have to assume the bad posters are all 18min+ 5k hobby joggers. If not, then I guess our sport really is doomed.

Less serious, more funny posts and interviews to come soon.  Hoping to get some with the bros in The Real Maine, coming out on the 21st!  Off to go take part in my new favorite summer pastime, FISHIN.