Tag Archives: Galen Rupp

Christmas Carols: EatRunSwag style.

25 Dec

Merry Christmas (Eve) y’all.  While in the Christmas spirit I decided to rip off write a few Christmas carols for the rare ERS blog post.  I’ll have some more up tomorrow, probably one revolving around our girl Suzy Favors for everybody Hamilton, and the like.

Look for the Best of/Worst of 2012 lists to come soon!

PS- if you wanna give me an xmas present, snapchat me at eatrunswag , I’m a snapchat fiend.

The Adidas Cadence just don't compare :( (Shoutout to whoever I stole this picture from.)

The Adidas Cadence just don’t compare 😦 (Shoutout to whoever I stole this picture from, Bailey.)

O Victories

O Victories! O Victories!
Thy Flywire is so amazing;
O Victories! O Victories!
Thy Flywire is so amazing;
Not only good for the 15,
But also good for sub 14.
O Victories! O Victories!
Thy Flywire is so amazing!

O Victories! O Victories!
Much pleasure thou can’st give me;
O Victories! O Victories!
Much pleasure thou can’st give me;
But unfortunately,
My school is not Nike,
O victories! O Victories!
Much pleasure thou cannot give me 😦

O victories! O Victories!
Sometimes I wish we were Nike.
Oh victories oh victories,
Sometimes I wish we were Nike.
I love Adidas trainers and shirts,
But hate their shorts that look like miniskirts,
Oh victories oh victories,
No spike can compare to thee.

WARNING: This next song is tasteless, offensive, and the typical satirical thing you’d find on this site. All you adults, Oregon fans, pre’s family members, and my typical hate mail senders should just skip this one.
This is wrong.. Wrong that I don't have photoshop and couldn't put a grandma in this pic :'(

This is wrong.. Wrong that I don’t have photoshop and couldn’t put a grandma in this pic 😥

Grandma Got Run Over By A Runner

Grandma got run over by a runner
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Pre’s ghost
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

She’d been drinkin’ too much ‘egg nog’
And we’d begged her not to go
But she said the roads would be clear,
And stumbled out the door into the snow.

When they found her Christmas mornin’
At the scene of the crash,
There were Nike swooshes on her forehead
And incriminatin’ Green O’s on her back

Grandma got run over by a runner,
Drunk driving a gold MG Christmas eve,
You can say there’s no such thing as pre’s ghost,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

Now were all so proud of Grandpa
He’s been takin’ this so wonderfully,
See him in there watchin’ Bekele’s 5k,
Drinkin’ beer and playin’ cards with Kara G.

Grandma got run over by a runner
Who mowed her down with his car on Christmas eve,
You can say there’s no such thing as Pre’s ghost.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

I’ve warned all my friends and fellow runners,
Better watch out for your lives,
They should never give a license
To a man who drinks and drives.

Grandma got run over by a runner
Driving home from a party on Christmas eve,
You can say there’s no such thing as Pre’s ghost,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!

I wouldn't touch you with a 16foot pole vault pole!

I wouldn’t touch you with a 16foot pole vault pole!

Mrs Usatf ( you grinch!)

You’re a mean one, Mrs. USATF,
You really don’t treat your athletes right!
You take all of their profits,
So their wins are always really losses,
Mrs. USATF!
You’re a greasy slimy organization,
With plenty of misinformation,
You’re a monster, Mrs. USATF!

Christmas- Rupp Certified

Christmas- Rupp Certified

Ruppdolph the Face Masked Runner

RUPP-dolph the face masked runner,
Had a really sensitive nose,
And if you ever saw his skin tone,
You would even say it glows,

All of the other runners,
Used to laugh and call him names (like Peter Pan!)
They never let him join them,
In all the other runner games (like the beer mile)

Then one foggy August eve,
Salazar came to say,
Ruppdolf with your tactics so right,
Won’t you guide my Mo tonight,

Then how the runners loved him,
Even yours truly,
Ruppdolph the face masked runner,
Your 10k will go down in history.

Keep dreaming

Keep dreaming

A White Christmas Dream for Cam Levins (Give me a day off!)

I’m dreaming of a day off this Christmas,
My last day off was years ago,
30 miles run yesterday,
Calf muscles in constant pain,
Doubles and triples in the snow.

I’m dreaming of a day off on Christmas,
With every mile that I run,
May your days be merry and bright,
While you’re opening presents ill be trudging through the white

I’m dreaming of a day off this Christmas
190 miles a week is getting old,
May your days be merry and bright
While Im out here training in the cold 😦
Merry Christmas (Eve) !!

EatRunSwag’s Super Trials Recap!

3 Jul

Quick news on shirts: Last night I submitted my bank info to the google checkout store I setup. It’s going to take up to three days to verify my account, then when I submit tax info the store is ready to go!

Anyway, all of us track junkies just got finished watching the Olympic Trials.  It was WAY more dramatic, exciting, disappointing, and controversial than many of us thought it would be.  Favored athletes failing to qualify, drug cheat agent scandals, the Fam debacle, and the women’s 100m dash amateur hour special (in the words of LR) made for an interesting week, to say the least, in the sport of track and field.

Here is my recap, with a hint of humor, and a dose of honesty.  *WARNING- This post contains foul language, humor, and satire, not recommended for the average stuck up runner douche or women who may be pregnant or nursing.

 

WOMENS 100m DASH- Tarmoh gives Felix the friendship bracelet she made for her back.

VICTORY IS MINE, BITCH.

 

We all wondered what would become of the “dead heat” between the two runners who are (were) also great friends and training partners.  I can’t really hate on Felix because when it comes down to it, track is an individual sport, and if an athlete wants as many chances to get a gold medal, that’s what they train for and live for. But dayum, gurl, I would have let her have that spot. You took 3RD in the US trials, focus on the 200m LIKE EVERY ANALYST AND FORMER GREAT has told you to! That’s a cold move. You better medal in both now babe.

 

MENS 100m- Justin Gatlin enjoys benefits of drugs to win US title and Olympic Berth

Fuck. You.

While I am not so naive to really think that a lot of the top athletes aren’t on drugs (while I desperately hope they aren’t), I firmly believe that anybody caught should get a LIFETIME BAN.  Seriously, by letting these people return for their “second” chance we’re pretty much saying, “cheat until you get caught. But if you get caught, you’re going to have to sit out until the next Olympics. Then come back and have fun!”  We aren’t providing enough incentive for people NOT to cheat.

Was also sad to see Walter Dix injured 😥

 

Womens 100m Hurdles-  Lolo Jones pops her London Olympic cherry.

..virgin?

I was going to type something about the race but I forgot while posting that picture. Enjoy

 

MENS 110m HURDLES- JEFF PORTER YEAHHHHH GO BLUE!

Those who dive…

 

Surprise 3rd place finisher Jeff Porter was so ecstatic on qualifying that he pretended there was a slip and slide after the finish line. This guy works his butt off, we see him at our track every day and he deserves this after all the hours he has put in. Go get em, and Go Blue.

Also, David Oliver looked TERRIBLE in becoming one of the most surprising athletes not to qualify .

 

WOMENS 200m DASH- Allyson Felix is way faster than I’ll ever be.

And prettier than I’ll ever be, too

 

MENS 200m DASH- Wallace Spearmon wins, no surprise there.

 

Is it racist if I think he looks like Ice T?

 

WOMENS 400m DASH-  Sanya Richards is scary fast.

I could win this shit with my eyes closed y’all

 

MENS 400m DASH- Jeremy Wariner isn’t very good at sports anymore, and Bryshon Nellum wins the swagged out comeback award 

50 cent got shot 9 times and made some shitty records. I made an Olympic Team. YOLO.

WOMENS 400m HURDLES- Arizona gal is quite a wildcat

She seems to have some swag

 

MENS 400m HURDLES- BATMAN doesn’t RETURN, has a DARK NIGHT (I’m too punny)

Pretty much this happened.

WOMENS 800- Geena Gall represents the Wolverines well, Vessey shits the bed.

Wolverine Swag

 

MENS 800- Jock runs like a high schooler, Duane Solmon makes me tear up, and Nick Symmonds proves that “One Night in Paris” was pretty helpful 

I’m staying in a “Hilton” tonight

 

WOMENS 1500- Boring. No surprises in this one.

Pretty sure she could beat me up. Blindfolded.

 

MENS 1500m- Manzano Hooks Em, Robby Andrews runs like a fool, Matt Mr Steal Yo Girl Centro through, Wheating makes second Oly team

Omg he’s so little and adorable

 

WOMENS 3k STEEPLE- Emma won. I fell behind her once. See two posts before this.

Sorry boys, she’s taken. Also, AWEEEEEEEEEEEE

 

MENS 3k STEEPLE- My team captain made the final, Jager doesn’t bomb and I like his hair, Cabral continues awesome season.

“Rule #1, no touching of the hair or face”

 

WOMENS 5K- Sorry I didn’t watch it I was driving to Flagstaff.

MENS 5k-  This race was “Rupp-Certified”, see previous post.

“Suck it Kenyan!”- Rupp

 

WOMENS 10k- Natosha Rogers proves NCAA title was not a fluke.

Eh hard to cheer for an aggie but I’m a fan.

 

MENS 10k- NBC brings in a British guy who knows his shit, Rupp makes it look easy, Teg and Ritz are back, and I just choked on a chip while typing this

I thought the starting line was the beginning..?

 

MENS DECATHLON- Ashton Eaton is really good at sports.  ESPN shows how f-cking stupid they are.

“You only ranked me 10th???”

Sports center ranked him 10th on the top 10. Behind a fan who caught a ball at a game with his hat. I’m not making this shit up.

Also how awkward was the exchange between Bruce Jenner and Dave O’Brien? Damn.

 

NIKE Proves they own the sport and don’t give a fuck about rules.

Suck it Nike/Hayward Field.

Example 1- http://www.letsrun.com/2012/block-0701.php  Excellent article by the Brojos on LetsRun. This is sure to ruin your day.

Example 2- They kicked out the Brooks dudes for a silly advertisement

Example 3- Alan Fucking Terrible at Running Webb

Example 4- Fam not let in

 

 

Wow that took a lot of time, I’m going to go do something productive now. Hope y’all enjoy this post!

Special Shout-Out to Derek Rubis, the biggest fan in track and field, who I’m sure had a phenomenal time at the trials, you deserve it Derek!

 

 

Dear Galen Rupp: You’re Welcome.

30 Jun

OK, now I know that the post that essentially made my blog well known was this post about Galen that I did shortly after the US champs last summer: http://eatrunswag.com/2011/06/24/the-infamous-galen-rupp/   but now I can safely say that Rupp has redeemed himself (to me at least)

 

Pre-2012 Galen Rupp was pretty ridiculous.  Although he ran some pretty damn impressive times and races, he donned that ridiculous Hannibal Lector mask, effeminately posed on starting lines, and found many of the races in the US to not be “Rupp Certified”

Never Forget.

 

2012 Rupp, however, was a completely different person.  I think “The Boy Who Wouldn’t Grow Up” finally decided to leave Neverland

Good, don’t go back, I like the new you bb

 

And I take full credit for this.

 

Now I know that elite Nike athletes have most likely never heard of my blog as they justifiably have better things to be doing with their time.  But I’m going to assume confidently that Galen read my blog postings about him, was embarrassed, went into a bout of depression, started eating an all raw meat and thyroid medication diet and became a man. 

 

Examples of the transformation below:

From this

 

To this.

 

From this

 

To this (much better.)

 

“Ew, boobs”- Pre 2012 Rupp

 

“Got the hottest chick in the game, wearing my chain”- Post 2012 Rupp. 

And finally, from this

 

to this.

 

Does Rupp have a realistic shot at medaling at the London Olympics? Maybe. We’ll see.  But I’ll be rooting for him.

 

Some quick stuff:

First- Please click this web site and vote, it takes all of 5 seconds, for “Run CB”, a running store in Crested Butte, CO, to get a huge grant!  Click the link, login w/fbook, search “Run CB” and just click vote.

https://www.missionsmallbusiness.com/

 

Second- I’m going to do a big trials recap when it is over, that comes in the next post!

 

Third- I’m now in Flagstaff for about 6 weeks to finally become good at running.  Did my first fartlek at altitude here at Buffalo Park this morning. It was a bitch and a half.

 

Fourth- Now that I’m finally somewhere for a longer period of time, I shall get T SHIRTS UP ON MONDAY FOR SURE 😀

 

EatRunSwag’s Best/Worst of 2011: Top 5 WTF? Moments of 2011

19 Dec

Howdy, I hope everybody had a splendid offseason, I know I did.  But Indoor is just around the corner so be smart with your return to running!

Anyway, I’ve decided to make some lists of the best/worst of 2011 in the running world (inspired by Pitchfork, not Flotrack).

Today is the first list, the (probably offensive) list of the top 5 WHAT THE F#CK? moments of 2011.  Let me clarify that this isn’t a “whoa that was impressive, wtf” type wtf, this is a list of things that genuinely made us shake our heads and go, “Really, Galen? WTF?”  Here we go:

 

5.)  The Sammy Wanjiru Fiasco

Fastest marathoner in heaven/hell

After Beijing, Wanjiru established himself as the best marathoner in the world, winning both London and Chicago.  In 2010 Wanjiru ran into legal troubles when he was accused for threatening to kill his wife and possessing an AK-47.  It was all downhill from there for the star marathoner and he fell off a balcony in an apparent suicide in May of 2011.  No jokes will be thrown into this one, it was truly a sad loss for our sport. RIP Sammy, we’ll always remember your bold as hell race in Beijing.

 

4.) Stember Runs 19:30 for 5k after making huge deal about sub 18

Could Webb break 18 right now?

After making a big deal about raising money for some charity if he broke 18 in a 5k, Stember, former sub 4 miler, completely shit the bed and ran 19:30.  He wouldn’t make the Fayetteville Manlius girls XC Squad.  For his sake I sure hope he’s enjoying all the beer he must have had to get so pathetically out of shape. WTF man?

 

3.) Galen Rupp’s Pollen Mask

Sadly, this is the most intimidating he's ever looked.

The obvious highlight of last years USA Track and Field Championships was Galen Rupp’s Pollen Mask, created specially for people who are sensitive to breathing in air.  Most of the country already sees our sport as a joke, thanks for continuing to give them something to laugh at Peter Pan.

 

2.) Kim Kardashian’s Wedding

Maybe he realized seeing her in this big dress that she's actually a crappy person when you can't see her ass.

17.9 million dollars for a wedding that lasted less than a semester of college. Shame on you.

 

1.) The University of Oregon

A.) LV LEAVES

See ya suckas!

B.) CENTRO LEAVES

Finally, I'm out of this shit-hole!

C.)  Vin Lannana Rumors?

How much longer do I have to suffer here..

D.) THE MEN DUCKS DON’T QUALIFY FOR NATS

Luke about to Tebow?

E.) JORDAN HASAY OUTKICKED..AGAIN

#TeamSheila

 

Damn, ducks, 2011 was not your year.  Dunbar will be a much needed asset, he’s a good dude, so hopefully he can turn things around for you.

 

Honorable Mentions:

Adam Goucher Retires- Wait didn’t that already happen a while ago?
Vig. Retires- Will we ever know that story?
German F. Puts Together a Successful XC Season- Finally!
Riley Masters Transfers to Worst State in the Country (Tied with Ohio of course)

 

 

I’ll try and make the next one nicer.  But hey, ya know what they say in ebonics, “If you ain’t being hated on, you ain’t doing sh*t”

Rupp and Solinsky Suffering from Rare Disorder

27 Jul

Disclaimer: THESE QUOTES ARE NOT REAL. THIS IS A HUMOR BLOG. DON’T TAKE WHAT I SAY TOO SERIOUSLY. DON’T SUE ME.

While the inability of Rupp and Solinsky to finish races has both shocked and pissed off fans across the nation this summer, it is now evident from recent tests at the Nike lab that they are both suffering from a new and rare disorder. American Born Distance Runner Syndrome (ABDRS).  

Rupp-  “It’s really great to finally have a diagnosis.  It’s been a real struggle to complete big races this summer but little did I know it was just because I was born in the US!  I thought it was that silly pollen!”

Both athletes were sent to the lab after their absolute failure at the recent Diamond League 5000m race in Monaco.  At first the falls of both athletes were blamed on Ethiopian runner Imane Merga.  But after using common sense analyzing the video, it was evident that a 100 pound Ethiopian knocking 200 pound Chris Solinsky off the track was highly unlikely.

Merga

vs.

Solinsky

The lab tests revealed that the source of the problems of the two runners stemmed from the fact that they were both born here in the US.

Solinsky- “You know, I don’t know how I didn’t realize I had this disorder earlier.  Lagat and Farah have been making us look like little sissies all year but they both have something in common: Neither was born in the country that they currently represent.  Plus that Manzano guy is from Mexico right?”

It’s true. Bernard Lagat, the current hope for an American distance medal at the upcoming WC’s was born in Kenya.  Mo Farah, the UK’s most recent running phenom was born in Somalia.

Rupp (and Farah’s) coach Alberto Salazar is not worried, however.
Salazar- “White people can win races, I’m sure of it. Remember that time I won Boston? We just need to develop better technology than Kenya and Ethiopia.  I’m currently researching skin-dye pigment and I’ve been meeting with James Cameron to see if gene transplanting is possible.  Remember that time I won Boston? That was cool huh?”

Technology is the key, says Salazar

Both Schumacher (Solinsky’s coach) and Salazar have started a new training regimen that really focuses on crossing the finish line.
Schumacher- “I guess it’s one thing you don’t really think about when training.  Kenyans and Ethiopians just know how to cross the line, it’s part of their genetics.  For these American-Born runners it’s just a little more difficult.  At the end of every workout I’ve been painting a little white line at the finish for Chris to cross.  The first few times he (Solinsky) dropped out of the workout about 800m early and yelled at me that he was pushed.  When I told him ‘Chris, you’re the only one out here’ he teared up and said ‘I know..’.  After admitting to the problem, he’s finishing most of the workouts I give him now. It’s a real step forward.”

Rupp has been noticing improvements as well.
“It was really starting to effect many other aspects of my life, you know, not finishing.  I starting cooking breakfast the other day, two eggs over easy, and halfway through I just kind of walked away.  Had Salazar not stayed the night nobody would have been there to smell the smoke and prevent my house from burning down.  And things have been really tough with the wife lately..it was hard enough to get a wife, and this whole not finishing thing is taking a toll.  Since the new pills Alberto has been making me take along with practicing not falling I’ve been able to ‘finish’.  I’m looking forward to WC’s.  As long as the pollen-count is nice maybe I’ll finish.  Maybe.”

With a month until the WC’s in Daegu, both athletes have plenty of time to work on the downfalls of being an American-Born distance runner.  If they use their time wisely, maybe we’ll see some successful performances there.  If not, we still have Lagat.