Archive | July, 2011

Rupp and Solinsky Suffering from Rare Disorder

27 Jul

Disclaimer: THESE QUOTES ARE NOT REAL. THIS IS A HUMOR BLOG. DON’T TAKE WHAT I SAY TOO SERIOUSLY. DON’T SUE ME.

While the inability of Rupp and Solinsky to finish races has both shocked and pissed off fans across the nation this summer, it is now evident from recent tests at the Nike lab that they are both suffering from a new and rare disorder. American Born Distance Runner Syndrome (ABDRS).  

Rupp-  “It’s really great to finally have a diagnosis.  It’s been a real struggle to complete big races this summer but little did I know it was just because I was born in the US!  I thought it was that silly pollen!”

Both athletes were sent to the lab after their absolute failure at the recent Diamond League 5000m race in Monaco.  At first the falls of both athletes were blamed on Ethiopian runner Imane Merga.  But after using common sense analyzing the video, it was evident that a 100 pound Ethiopian knocking 200 pound Chris Solinsky off the track was highly unlikely.

Merga

vs.

Solinsky

The lab tests revealed that the source of the problems of the two runners stemmed from the fact that they were both born here in the US.

Solinsky- “You know, I don’t know how I didn’t realize I had this disorder earlier.  Lagat and Farah have been making us look like little sissies all year but they both have something in common: Neither was born in the country that they currently represent.  Plus that Manzano guy is from Mexico right?”

It’s true. Bernard Lagat, the current hope for an American distance medal at the upcoming WC’s was born in Kenya.  Mo Farah, the UK’s most recent running phenom was born in Somalia.

Rupp (and Farah’s) coach Alberto Salazar is not worried, however.
Salazar- “White people can win races, I’m sure of it. Remember that time I won Boston? We just need to develop better technology than Kenya and Ethiopia.  I’m currently researching skin-dye pigment and I’ve been meeting with James Cameron to see if gene transplanting is possible.  Remember that time I won Boston? That was cool huh?”

Technology is the key, says Salazar

Both Schumacher (Solinsky’s coach) and Salazar have started a new training regimen that really focuses on crossing the finish line.
Schumacher- “I guess it’s one thing you don’t really think about when training.  Kenyans and Ethiopians just know how to cross the line, it’s part of their genetics.  For these American-Born runners it’s just a little more difficult.  At the end of every workout I’ve been painting a little white line at the finish for Chris to cross.  The first few times he (Solinsky) dropped out of the workout about 800m early and yelled at me that he was pushed.  When I told him ‘Chris, you’re the only one out here’ he teared up and said ‘I know..’.  After admitting to the problem, he’s finishing most of the workouts I give him now. It’s a real step forward.”

Rupp has been noticing improvements as well.
“It was really starting to effect many other aspects of my life, you know, not finishing.  I starting cooking breakfast the other day, two eggs over easy, and halfway through I just kind of walked away.  Had Salazar not stayed the night nobody would have been there to smell the smoke and prevent my house from burning down.  And things have been really tough with the wife lately..it was hard enough to get a wife, and this whole not finishing thing is taking a toll.  Since the new pills Alberto has been making me take along with practicing not falling I’ve been able to ‘finish’.  I’m looking forward to WC’s.  As long as the pollen-count is nice maybe I’ll finish.  Maybe.”

With a month until the WC’s in Daegu, both athletes have plenty of time to work on the downfalls of being an American-Born distance runner.  If they use their time wisely, maybe we’ll see some successful performances there.  If not, we still have Lagat.

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Swagged Out Runner of the Year: Lukas Verzbicas

26 Jul

Thanks for letting me do this Lukas. I don’t know whether you go by Luke, Lukas, or Lukas-Bieber, so I’m going to call you LV.

The 400m of the race I was in front of LV before getting absolutely destroyed

There have probably been a ton of articles about you on the web, but it’s safe to say this one will be a little different. Before putting together these interview questions, I went to a couple of online running message boards and asked actual runners of all ages what they wanted to know about you. Here’s what America, the greatest country on Earth, wants to know about you.

Did Bieber steal your haircut, or did you steal his?
Who’s Justin Bieber???

Baby, Baby, Baby Ohhh

What kind of product do you use for it?
Mane & Tail

LV, he's an animal.

Do you have a girlfriend?
At the moment no, had to end all relationships before leaving to Oregon 😦 It sucks.

What is your idea of a perfect romantic evening with the girl of your
dreams (the girls want to know, so try and be specific with this one!)
Anything would be perfect with the girl of my dreams but if I had to choose I would make her a really nice dinner, then we would go out to a concert (either John Mayer or Dave Matthews Band) that’s at a beautiful park where afterwards we would walk around in the dark holding hands while eating ice cream. Once we have nothing more to say to each other we would just gaze at the stars and end up kissing. We would have to be in the moment to know where things go on from there…

2 is always better than 1

Do you have any interesting/odd talents?
I can hold my breath under water for a ridiculously long time, never lost that contest. I can go without sleep for days. I hold one of the records at my old basketball club for most free throws made (I can’t remember the exact amount, but I wasn’t good enough to pursue it over
running).

Pic taken right after LV held his breath under water for 3 days.

If you had to choose one sentence/quote/phrase that describes the way
you live your life, what would it be? 
Find something you are passionate about and do it with enthusiasm,
then you will never have to call it work.

What is your favorite animal, and why?
Gazelle, when I was little I was told I look like one when running.

Looks just like you bro

Are there any other sports that you are good at?
Basketball all the way.

*Insert Only Plays 3 Quarters Joke Here

Favorite Book?
Way of the Peaceful Warrior and 4 Hour Body

Favorite Movie?
Justin Bieber: Never Say Never… Haha just kidding. Being a runner I’m sort of obligated to say Without Limits, but I actually love the movie so it’s okay. I’m also a big fan of Where The Wild Things Are and Bruno.

LV <3's Bruno

How much can you bench press?
Never tried it, but probably more than you suspect. Swimming requires arm strength.

OK, on to the running questions.

For these first few, I have had several requests from high school
runners wanting to know about how you have trained these past several
years.

What kind of summer training did you do in high school to build your base (mileage, cross training)?
My training consisted of swimming, biking, running. This is a lot different than what high school runners do so I cannot really relate. Per week Average: 20,000-25,000 yards swimming, 110-130 miles biking, 30-40 miles running. The endurance and strength work is done in the pool, while speed and speed-endurance is done on the bike and run. This means that unlike typical triathletes I don’t bike over 40 miles at a time but it’s usually fast. Running is usually always some kind of workout unless it’s a shake out run. Swimming is where the recovery and endurance work is completed.

Did you do workouts in the summer? If so, how early in the summer did
you start them and how often did you do them?
Of course I do workouts. They are all done through out the entire summer, but as I said it’s not just running so that’s a little different.

Did you have a favorite workout in high school that you would do often?
I really enjoy fartleks, it’s hard but it produces amazing results. In high school it would typically be 8×2 minutes with 2 recovery in between, or ladder 1-2-3-2-1 twice or three times with same recovery in between.

Lulz

Out of all of your impressive victories and races, which one meant the most to you, and why?
Running sub 4 means the most to me. Maybe my two-mile time is more impressive but I’m most proud of the sub 4 because of the conditions that it was achieved in. Rain, wind, and the best high school competition in history made it so much more meaningful to me.

FREAKING MANIMAL

Ok, with the internet being full of rumors, usually false, let’s just
clear some things up so no more dumb rumors will go around.

State it here for all to see: Will you be attending, and competing for, the University of Oregon next year?
I don’t know why that would be a rumor, but yes Oregon for all those.


At the current moment (and I know many things may change with coaching decisions and how you perform on the track on college), when do you think you will focus your efforts on the triathlon again?
Unless running isn’t working out I don’t think I’ll be focusing at all on the tri, maybe just a recovery swim or bike here and there but nothing serious.

Would you attribute a lot of your success to the strength you gained in the triathlon?
Most definitely, the aerobic base I have from triathlon I couldn’t have ever gotten in running alone.

The Champ is Here

What are your biggest goals for the future? (Running, Tri, a career, anything)
Don’t want to reveal too much, I like to keep the anticipation, but a team national championship in the present and the Olympic Games down the road are a must for me.

LV, you should do a tri on this.

I have decided to award you the High School Runner Swag-Star of the Year award (The HSRSSOTY , It’s super prestigious).
I believe you deserve this award for absolutely crushing the souls of every high school runner you’ve raced in your penultimate HS year. In addition, the swagger you bring to the track has been very impressive.
I thought your finish at Footlocker, while some less important people found it cocky, was awesome. Take it all in when you finish, enjoy the moment, why rush through it right? Congratulations on receiving this award.

SWAG ME OUT

Time for your award speech!
Thank you very much! It sounds a lot cooler than many other awards I’ve received so it is definitely meaningful to be recognized in such a way. I think distance running needs a persona from its athletes that is cool and hip or as we like to call it “swag”. Seems to me we have that in high school and even at the college level, but we have to carry it over to the pro level as well. I mean look at Usain Bolt and sprinting, we have do something similar to what he is doing. Anyway I don’t want to get too bashed for saying such suggestions, there always seems to be someone who will criticize me and say his or her idea is better, but hey I’ve grown pretty used to it by now. I love reading about track online and the great things our fans love to say to us athletes, it’s just one more thing that makes distance running so unique to be a part of. So thanks again, it really means a lot, even if it’s just to me.

Any Shout-Outs?
I would be no where near where I am today without my family, thank you so much. They taught me almost everything I know and I’m glad my parents are moving on to spread their knowledge to other athletes as coaches right now. Also my friends and the community I live in, Orland park, is so great. The support is nothing like I expected, it’s really been the best these last few years, I will really miss this place, thank you.

Lukas V, a family man.

Soccer Girls vs. Running Girls

18 Jul

Finally recovered enough from my bday to write a new blog post for yall ❤

I realize some people will be like “oh this is sexist, he’s objectifying women, only talking about their superficial qualities ect ect blah blah blah”

I don’t care, suck it.

This blog topic was inspired by the recent FIFA Women’s World Cup match that occurred yesterday.  It was not inspired by the loss, where Japan’s U20 boys team beat the US, but rather it was inspired by the attractiveness of some of the female athletes.

Now there were some attractive girls on the team (via Alex Morgan ❤ <3) but it lead me to wonder, which sport produces more attractive females (at the elite level)?  Here is my analysis of this extremely deep question.

 

I’m going to break this into some different categories.  First:

The Ass Factor:

Depends on what you’re looking for, a big old badunkadunk or a normal sized one.  If you’re looking for the kind of butt that rappers talk about, the track girls win this one for sure.

damn girl

 

Cuteness Factor:

I can’t decide y’all, this one’s up to you.

Kara Goucher

FREAKING ADORABLE

Vs.

Alex Morgan

SOO CUTE

 

The “In-Game” Attractiveness

Um. Yikes.

 

WINNER.

 

Boob-factor:

Female athletes don’t have boobs lol.

 

This is a tough one y’all.  I think “personality” may actually come into play here to be the tiebreaker (via “What counts is what’s on the inside”)
I asked some females who’s nicer, soccer players or runners.
The overwhelming majority said runners.

Direct Quote from my pal LJ- Soccer players are full of drama. Runners aren’t.

Consensus: FEMALE SOCCER PLAYERS ARE CRAZY

 

Now I may be biased…but the runners win this one!

VICTORY

Despite their loss, I still love you Hope Solo. Be my valentine ❤

 

USA USA USA

No More Teenage Dreams…Y’all.

15 Jul

So today is my birthday.  I turned 20 at midnight .
So naturally I spent the first 2 hours of my bday doing what a 20 year old should do, crying at a Harry Potter movie:

Bawlin.

 

It was an emotional night for me y’all.  So symbolistic.  At the same time that I was leaving my teenage years behind, the Harry Potter series that was a major part of my childhood finally came to an end.

And what an end it was.

Tearz.

 

I enjoyed every minute of cheering for Mrs. Weasley pwning the Marla Singer  Bellatrix Lestrange, Hermione kissing that ugly ginger, and Albus confessing his gay love for Harry Potty.  Thanx for being such a huge part of my life y’all, Never Forget the magical times we’ve had ❤

 

Of course now that I no longer have “Teenage Dream(s)” (Via Katy Perry), I had to go do something manly as balls.
Shootin’ guns y’all.

Kick down the do' with my loaded Fo-Fo!

 

Lemme Tell you, if you ever get within 8 yards of me, I’m gunna hit you with that kill shot.

 

STAY STRAPPED

 

 

No longer can I blame my actions on being a dumb teenager.

No longer can I hit on 16 year olds.

No longer can I be 16 and pregnant.

One more year until I can ‘be crazy’

 

Thanks for the cake bro!

 

Jesse Eisenberg Gives Weak Handshakes!

11 Jul

BEFORE READING TODAY’S BLOG:  I NEED ALL OF YOU TO CLICK ON THIS LINK BELOW AND READ MY PLAYLIST:
http://www.fasterthanforty.com/rabbit-ears-0711-11/

K CONTINUE.

 

Today I met a famous person y’all!

His name is Jesse Eisenberg, and he’s most famous for inventing Facebook

I heard he has 500,000,000 friends

 

He was in Austin because he’s in some new movie called “30 Minutes or Less”. It has Nick Swardson, Danny McBride and Aziz Ansari as co-stars.  I haven’t seen it but I’ll review it for you now: It was freaking hilarious, go see it. I really liked that one part where Jesse was all awkward, then that one part where Danny said the f word a lot, then that one part where Nick’s sexual orientation was questionable. So zany!

I give it a 10/10

 

He was at the legendary “Homeslice Pizza” on South Congress Ave. serving up slices of pizza.  I guess Facebook must be doing poorly or something if he had to take this shitty job as a pizza server.  I guess Google+ blew up way faster than he expected (ADD ME BTW BB’s, I GOT MY ACCOUNT TODAY :D!!!)

I waited in line for like 30min  4 days until finally I got to the front.  It was cool and all that he served me the pizza but honestly I was more excited for a free slice of pizza and a coke.  I mean you can see a famous person anytime, but how often do you get free slices of pizza y’all?

Look how excited I am

 

Anyway, before he gave me the slice of pizza, he gave me a complimentary handshake to cleanse my palate.  And let me tell you, that handshake was WEAK dude!  Lacked confidence, lacked care, lacked poise, lacked gentlemanliness.  Here’s an example of him shaking my AFRICAN AMERICAN friend Chris’s hand (I have black friends y’all!)

Yuck.

 

Notice Chris’s hand, firmly closed and thumb locked in.  Notice Jesse’s limp wrist and unaffectionate thumb.  Party foul bro.

 

I’m not super mad about it though.  In fact, I’m kinda happy.  I’m happy that Jesse’s on-screen awkward ass jew version of Michael-Cera character is actually how he is in real life.  That gives me hope.  Maybe Johnny Depp really is a zany pirate bro always getting into trouble in real life.  Maybe Daniel Radcliffe will save all of us muggles someday.  Maybe Tom Hanks really is “special”.

 

Keep on being awkward bro, can’t wait to see your new movie. Hopefully you make a sequel to that Facebook movie, maybe one about LiveJasmin or YouJ***

Oh, and btw, HOMESLICE PIZZA IS CRAZY DELICIOUS

 

OMNOMNOMNOM EATrunswag

 

 

PS- READ MY GIRL AUDREY SMITH’s BLOG @ http://www.adobeslabs.com !!! Please. She’s coming to visit me in Texas in exactly a week and we shall do some crazy bro-noodling blogs together ❤ ❤ ❤

 

http://www.fasterthanforty.com too

Bruce Jenner vs. Brody Jenner

9 Jul

So this year I somehow got suckered into watching “Laguna Beach”.  Which is a gateway drug for “The Hills”.  I won’t waste your time talking about how annoying it was when LC kept going back to Jason, how freaking hott Audrina is but for some reason dated a douche named “Justin-Bobby”, and how Spencer looked exactly like a monkey.

Oo Oo! Ahh Ahh!

 

Instead I’m here to discuss LC’s occasional love interest on the show, Brody Jenner.

Side-Boob

 

First of all, what a caucasian name.  It’s up there with Chaz/Chet/Chad/Chase/Maxwell/and Hunter.  All I can think of when I hear names like “Brody” is Lacoste polos, water polo, and country clubs.
Moving on.

When I saw him appear on the show I was like “Oh snap son, that’s Bruce Jenner’s son!”

Quick lesson if y’all dont know Bruce Jenner:

#WINNING

Bruce Jenner was an Olympic champ in the decathlon in 1976 Olympics.  He’s hella rich from being a badass.
Also, he has a smoking hot step-daughter:

YES please.

 
This lead me to think, is Bruce disappointed that his son is pretty much a useless sack of bro-junk?

Bruce was a star athlete in college.
Brody didn’t even go to college.

POINT: BRUCE

Bruce trained 8-10 hours a day for the decathlon
Brody: We can assume pretty much lays around and does nothing for longer than that every day

POINT: BRUCE (2-0)

Bruce is an extremely successful businessman and public speaker despite being dyslexic.
Brody’s official occupation is a socialite.  Only in America can one get paid for this..

POINT: BRUCE (3-0)

Bruce has had more plastic surgeries than the amount of points he scored in the decathlon.
Brody  has hooked up with Kristin Cavallari, LC, and a Playmate of the Year

hmmm POINT: BRODY (3-1)

Bruce had/still has a successful and meaningful career.
Brody: When Brody gets a little bit older, his “Socialite” career will no longer exist.

POINT: BRUCE

Final Score: 4-1

 
Admittedly it’s probably hard to measure up to your dad when he was/is such a badass.

Maybe Brody will start training for 2012

Maybe Audrina will marry me one day

Athlete Profile: Becca Addison

6 Jul

My fellow Americans, today I introduce to y’all a new blog feature I intend to do at least once a month.  I will be interviewing some of the nation’s top athletes so you can learn some of their secrets to success.  Also, through the revealing and challenging interview questions that I ask, you can learn about the actual character and personality of these super legit runner folk.

Before beginning this article I’d like to say thanks to Becca for allowing me to do this interview and putting up with my weird questions.  Thanks Becca you’re the best!

The subject of the first Athlete Profile blog is the University of Michigan’s very own Becca Addison:

Nice smile bb!

Becca Addison is going into her Junior Year as a Big 10 Champion, All-American, and currently has a personal best of 2:03 in the 800!!!

I chose to interview Becca first because not only is she incredibly talented, but she is also one of my favorite people.  Living in the same house as her for a Spring Term in 2010, our friendship developed into what it is today.  I killed a spider for her once, it was big.

Brookwood Street Pimpin

I called her up for the interview since I am home in Texas for the summer and here is how it went:

Me- First I’ll start off with some non-running questions so people can get to know you beyond just your running accomplishments.  So here’s the first question, you ready?

Becca- Yes, I think so

Me- If you could be any animal on a carousel what would you pick and why?

Becca- A frog. I just like them.

Frogs, she just likes them.

Me- Is it true that you have beaten Tetris Friends? (www.tetrisfriends.com)

Becca- It took me many months, but now I can beat it almost every time.  The secret is to play on survival mode.  I didn’t know that the normal goal of the game is to rack up as many points as you can, I was just playing to beat the game.

Me- So, you always play to win?

Becca- Yes.

All I do is win win win no matter what

Me- What do you think is the solution to the debt crisis?

Becca- I’m not really good at politics.

Politics? Too serious.

Me- If your life was a movie, what would it be titled?

Becca- Awkward Endeavors

Awkward Endeavors: Rated PG-13

Me- Who is your collegiate/pro runner crush?

Becca- Umm…Jeremy Warniner.   No…wait, Walter Dix!

Becca likes her men to have SWAG

Me- Please tell me (and the readers of this website) about your love for cats

Meow.

Becca- My love for cats was there in high school, but it has continued to grow in college.

So much love for those cats

Me-Tell me about the “Kitty Glamour Shotz” that you like to do

Becca- I do glamour shots with my cat named Emma.  She doesn’t seem to mind.  She just sits there with her eyes closed so I assume she likes it.  She really likes the camera

I can has picnic

Me- Have you done glamour shots with any other cats?

Becca- No, just Emma.  I tend to smother other cats too much and freak them out

Snow cat pulling a native american on a sled.

Me- What is your favorite thing about me?

Becca- Your zest for life.

So much zest!

Me-  Now on to the running part.  I want to know some of your secrets to success and I’m sure the readers do too. So when did you first start running?

Becca- 8th grade.  I ran the 100 and the 200.  I was super nervous all of the time.

Young Becca. Becca, I'm truly sorry for putting this on here.

Me- Did you play any other sports?

Becca- I was a gymnast from age 5-14.  Then I broke both of my hands.

Couldn't find a pic of Becca as a gymnast. So here's Kerri Strug.

Me- So I’ve heard your parents were pretty good at running, tell me a little about that.

Becca- My parents met when they were both running for Nike in Eugene, Oregon.  They were both in Russia and my dad asked my mom to dance.  She said no.  They hit it off better later on.

Her dad front and center

Me- Tell me why you’re so good

Becca- Because I’m so competitive.

Beast Mode.

Me-What are your goals?

Becca- I just want to get faster every year.

Me- Howabout sub 2?

Becca- Sub 2 would be crazy..

Me- Do it.

Sub 2, coming soon.

Me- Would you like to give any shout outs?

Becca- Id like to say hi to my soulmate, Jill Smith, my soulmate in running and in life ❤  And I’d like to send out a shout-out to my litter mates!

Soulmates ❤